The Barbecue – Episode 6 – Draft 1

1          Int, ISS                                                                                                           1

ANGELIENE has crazy eyes and hair. She is standing in front of the airlock, and presses the “door release” button. The two finger puppets from last episode float off into space.

 

ANGELIENE

Looks like I’ll never be seeing YOU again!

 

ANGELIENE closes the outer door, and turns around, where she spies a single puppet, lying on the ground.

 

PUPPET

<What were you doing just then?>

 

ANGELIENE

You’ve got no right to ask me what I was doing!

 

PUPPET

<Whoa, did you just shoot some people out of an airlock? What’s going on here>

 

ANGELIENE

Don’t you look at me! Stop staring at me!

 

PUPPET

<Calm down…>

 

ANGELIENE produces a fire axe from behind her back, and brings it down on the PUPPET, cackling as she does so. After a few bouts of insane laughter, she spies another puppet, and administers a similar treatment to it. After some crazy walking-around-with-the-axe action, she spies the camera, laughs, and brings the axe down on it.

 

2          Opening Sequence                                                                                         2

 

3          Int, Day, Backstage at the Nobel Prize Ceremony                                     3

It is a typical backstage area, dark, crowded, people running around in black. NARRATOR is wearing a luxurious tux, and is on the phone, looking impatient. The STAGE MANAGER walks up to him, taps his watch and flashes a “one”. NARRATOR nods, and then goes back to the phone call.

When we cut to CHIEF, we see him in the EXT location that he was for EP 5 SC 8.

 

NARRATOR

What do you mean you didn’t stop her?

 

CHIEF

(Rubbing his head)

Well, we waited where you said, but she got the drop on us, knocked us both out stone-cold. Hit us with our own sake bottle for crying out loud….

 

NARRATOR

Do you mean to tell me that the “Great Police Chief” was ambushed by a woman and a bottle of wine?

 

CHIEF

(Sheepishly)

Well, sake, and my Lieutenant was here too….

 

NARRATOR

Enough! Just make sure she stays away form here for at least the next six hours. After that, none of this will matter. (Hangs up).

 

CHIEF

I understand, you can count on us to… hello? You there?

 

4          Int, Day, A theatre/convention centre                                                         4

We see a stage, dimly lit, with tables in “cabaret” style arranged in front of the stage. The house lights dim, the stage lights go up, there is a fanfare, and some ballyhoo from the lights etc. NARRATOR enters the stage and goes to the lectern. The audience gives “polite” applause.

 

NARRATOR

Nominees, distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to S-city and this years Nobel Peace Prizes! I’ll be your Master of Ceremonies for this momentous occasion.

We have an excellent line-up for you tonight, both culinary and on stage. You will be dining on the finest three-course meal S-city has seen in a long time, and, in addition to the main prize ceremony, you’ll get to experience the comic styling of S-city’s own Jo-Ellen Curtin, as well as live entertainment provided by “The Product”.

So, once again, welcome to S-city, and I’ll be back with you after the entrees have been served to announce the first nominee.

 

NARRATOR exits the stage to fanfare, and the band starts playing. Once backstage, NARRATOR talks to the STAGE MANAGER

 

NARRATOR

(Whispering)

Is this thing off? (Points to his microphone)

 

STAGE MANAGER

Sure thing mate

 

NARRATOR

Thank you. (Turns to camera) And so, the Great Work was drawing to completion. However, as with any plan, it would only take one weak link to throw the whole plan into jeopardy. Delays were to be expected…

 

5          Ext, day, inside a car                                                                                     5

DWIGHT and DELILAH are in the back seat of a car/limo, arguing. They are both wearing “fine” clothing.

 

DWIGHT

Who cares if we’re late? Haven’t you ever heard of the term “fashionably late”?

 

DELILAH

That’s for parties you nincompoop! All the cameras are going to be inside by the time we get there, who’s going to see us arrive?

 

DWIGHT

Everyone’s going to see us arrive! They always do! They’ve got nothing better to do than wait around for us!

 

DELILAH

But it’s a dinner function! We’ll miss out on the entrees!

 

DWIGHT

Entrees? What do you want them for? They’re not prepared by the chef, and they’re usually some crap like “apple seeds in vanilla bean boats”. You know I don’t eat anything not prepared by a Chef. Besides, shouldn’t you be watching what you eat anyway?

 

DELILIAH

You Pig! (Bitch-slaps DWIGHT)

 

DWIGHT

I meant because of your diabetes, Deliliah…

 

DELILAH

Oh, I’m sorry. And I guess you’re right. Besides, I don’t really want to have to sit through this Hicksville comedian’s routine anyway…

 

6          Int, ISS                                                                                                           6

A short cut. Initially, no-one is in shot. Then, after a beat, ANGELIENE cackles with laughter, then runs into the middle of the shot, and starts discharging a fire extinguisher all over the control panels. Of course, this causes them to short out and catch fire. You know, Irony?

 

7          Int, Day, a dressing room                                                                             7

JO-ELLEN sits in front of a dressing-room mirror, adjusting her make-up, and muttering to herself. She is obviously nervous. There is a knock at the door, and JO-ELLEN jumps from the shock, and smears her lipstick (or something similar).

 

JO-ELLEN

Oh! Come in!

 

EVEN enters, accompanied by the STAGE MANAGER

STAGE MANAGER

This guy’s here to see you and you’ve got about 15 minutes until you’re on.

 

JO-ELLEN

Oh, thanks (STAGE MANAGER leaves) Evan! You came!

 

EVAN

Well, of course- you wanted me too. You ready?

 

JO-ELLEN

(Trembling)

Yes… ready as every…

 

EVAN

You’ve, um, got some stuff… (points to her face)

 

JO-ELLEN

Do I? (Looks in mirror) Oh! Shoot! I’ll never fix this in time (starts panicking) Where’d I put those wet-ones… (ad-lib etc)

 

EVAN

(Grabs JO-ELLEN by the shoulder) Hey! Calm down! You’ll be alright. Here…

 

EVAN wipes the lipstick/smeared makeup from JO-ELLEN’S face.

 

EVAN (CONT’D)

See, all better. Now, take a deep breath…

 

JO-ELLEN closes her eyes, and takes a deep breath.

 

They kiss. The STAGE MANAGER interrupts.

 

STAGE MANAGER

10 Minutes miss. I’m sorry mate but you’ll have to head back out to your seat.

 

EVAN

Well, looks like I’ve got to go… good luck out there.

 

JO-ELLEN

Thanks, and, um, good luck to you too, I guess…

 

There is an awkward pause, and then EVAN leaves.

 

JO-ELLEN

Oh god… I need something to calm my nerves…

 

JO-ELLEN spies a bottle of wine, bearing a tag “Chookas, Stage Management” JO-ELLEN punches in the cork and necks the bottle. The Tannoy speaker crackles into life.

 

NARRATOR (O/S)

I would now like to introduce to you our first nominee…

 

8          Int, Nobel Prize Stage                                                                                   8

NARRATOR is at the lectern, and as he names the nominee, a power-point presentation appears on the screen behind him.

 

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

Hailing from China, Xau Dangchao is the Republic’s Lord High Executioner. He has personally beheaded over three hundred enemies of the Republic, and has supervised many more. Through his efforts, the GreatRepublic remains strong and focused, without the bother of dissent form the masses. In other words, his actions have led to the lasting peace and prosperity that bless China to this day. Because, as we all know, a single dissident can drastically alter even the most detailed planning. Let’s take a look at this presentation, provided by the People’s Republic Public Relations division…

 

The lights go down, and the screen changes to a “promo reel” for Dangchao. After a second or two of video roll, we cut to seeing the actual video.

 

9          Promo video, Dangchao.                                                                              9

This is a late addition, and it’s something that we can deal with later. I’m thinking generic “pop idol” style intro videos, with tilted camera angles etc, thumping music, blah. There’s a couple of short interviews with Dangchao, and, of course, some internet footage of people being beheaded.

 

 

10        Ext, day, Outside the Nobel Prizes                                                              10
JEFF approaches the theatre. He pauses for a second, and we see the sign, reading “200X Nobel Prizes” (you know, just in case people have forgotten).

 

JEFF

Right, you old bastard, it all ends now…

 

 

 

11        Int, Day, Ceremony Room                                                                           11

CHUCK and EVAN are the only two people sitting at a table set for ten. There are four bottles of wine, all of which have been drunk by the pair. CHUCK is wearing a 1970’s corn flour blue suit, they type seen on many hobos and poor people. I’m even thinking that the sleeves could be cut off. He is finishing off the last bottle of wine. They’re basically behaving like anyone would if they were accidentally invited to a high-class event with free booze.

 

CHUCK

Yo! Waiter! We need another four bottles of wine over here, and a jug of beer. We’re VIP’s you know…

 

WAITER
(Snooty british accent)
Very good sir. Shall I bring you glasses or do you just want the jugs?

CHUCK

What type of dumb-arse question is that? How else do you drink a jug? Now, be gone!

 

EVAN

Heh, you sure showed that guy. Pass me another bread roll would you?

 

CHUCK throws the bread roll at EVAN; however both of them are inebriated to the point where the roll veers wildly off course and EVAN falls off his chair trying to catch it.  They both fall into a fit of hysterics as the WAITER arrives with four bottles of wine, and two jugs of beer. The jugs have cocktail umbrellas and straws in them. (I’m actually thinking something totally outrageous here. Like the waiter puts two elephant-foot umbrella holders on the tables and pours the jugs into them). EVAN and CHUCK get up and look the WAITER up and down. There is a short pause.

 

CHUCK

What the hell are…. Those? (Points to the umbrellas and straws).

 

WAITER

Well, sir, you clearly instructed me to prepare them as I would drink them….

 

CHUCK and EVAN look at each other, then at the WAITER, then back at each other. EVAN opens his mouth as if to say something, but can’t seem to find the words, and shuts them again. The WAITER gives a triumphant smirk, and leaves.

 

EVAN
Well, then, bottoms up…

 

CHUCK and EVAN start drinking. We cut across the room to see DELILIAH

and DWIGHT entering through a back door.

 

DWIGHT

See! We got in no problems…

 

DELILIAH

Isn’t the point of arriving fashionably late being seen by everyone?

 

DWIGHT

Well, duh, of course….

 

DELILIAH

(Scolding)

Then why did we sneak in through the back door?

 

DWIGHT

Um…

 

DELILIAH

Oh forget it, let’s just find a spare seat and hide before anyone notices how much of a buffoon you are. Look, there’s one with only two people on it, that’ll do us…

 

DWIGHT and DELILIAH approach EVAN and CHUCK’S table. CHUCK is facing away from DWIGHT as he approaches.

 

DWIGHT

Hi, I’m Dwight Delorie, action hero. Do you mind if I sit here?

 

EVAN

Nah, go right ahe…

 

As EVAN is inviting DWITGHT to the table, CHUCK turns to see what’s going on. As he sees DWIGHT, he jumps up, cutting EVAN off.

 

CHUCK

(Drunk, slurring)

You! You dare waltz in here and try to take my seat? You wanna-be-hero queer!

 

Upon hearing the word “Queer”, both DWIGHT and DELILIAH act shocked, as if someone has uncovered some “secret”. Then recognition dawns over DWIGHT.

 

DWIGHT

Oh, you’re that moron from the movie premier, right? Well, it just so happens I’m friends with the security chief here…

 

CHUCK

Do your worst! You fake! Impostor! I fought and died for this country you bastard! I’m going t’ punish …you… punish you…

 

DWIGHT

Punish me?

 

CHUCK takes a wild swing at DWIGHT, but succeeds only in tripping, and pulling down DWIGHT’S pants in the process. As CHUCK is sprawling on the floor and DWIGHT is pulling up his pants, a group of security guards rush over and drag CHUCK out of the venue.

 

CHUCK

(Whilst being dragged, ad-lib if required)

This isn’t over! You can’t treat veterans like this forever!

 

12        Int, Day, Stage                                                                                               12

The narrator is about to announce the next nominee. The transition from the previous scene to this one makes it look as if this was just another expected part of the proceedings.

 

NARRATOR

Well, it’s now time that we meet the second nomination for this year’s Nobel Peace prize, and I can think of no team more deserving than these nominees. After growing up in the BeautifulRhineValley, this pair of young adventurers realized that they had something the world lacked- unmistakable European beauty. So they left the confines of their beautiful valley and formed “The Model Triplets.”
Their illustrious careers have seen them save Prisoners of war, helpless tourists, and cure world hunger. Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m proud to introduce the second nominees for tonight, Sven and Dieter Kohler Roll tape…

 

Once again, the lights go down, and the tape starts playing.

 

13        Promo video, Sven and Dieter.                                                                    13

Pachebel’s Canon starts playing, and we fade up on a sepia video of SVEN, DIETER and the CHEERSQUAD posing/parting (in slow motion). They are in a locale we haven’t seen them before, like a soup kitchen or a mass grave.

 

SVEN (V/O)

Ja, Dieter and I aren’t just brother and sister, we are best of partners, ja?

 

The sepia image changes to another scene.

 

DIETER (V/O)

Once we realized we has this gift, we just had to share it, ja?

 

Cut to a shot of Sven and Dieter in their Action Penthouse, sitting on lounges.

 

SVEN

So, we decide we go out and help people, and we form Model Triplets.

 

DIETER

Ja, we just want to help people, and turn the world into one giant Rhine…

 

SVEN and DIETER

WE LOVE ZE RHINE!

 

Cut to a “dramatic silhouette” shot of SVEN and DIETER walking away into the sunset, and striking a pose with the final line.

 

RANDOM VOICE-OVER GUY

Sven and Dieter Kohler: saving the world, one outfit at a time…

 

Fade to black.

 

14        Ext, Day, outside the Nobel prizes.                                                              14

CHIEF and LIEUTENANT are, once again, on a stake-out. They are wearing some kind of bullet-proof vests and riot helmets.

 

LIEUTENANT

Remind me sir, why the hell are we wearing riot gear to the Peace Prizes. I mean really, are we expecting the pro-war protestors to show up? We both know the only violent protestors are peace protestors, and most of those guys are inside anyway…

 

CHIEF

(Sighs) Well, it’s all to do with the current threat assessment levels. Today, we’re at an Elevated level, so that means we have to be ready for any contingency. Besides, you can’t have forgotten yesterday’s terrorist attack…

 

LIEUTENANT

Yesterday’s terrorist attack? What are you on about?

 

CHIEF

Surely you remember the terrorists attacking us whilst we were on the lookout for that woman?

 

LIEUTENANT

We were beaten senseless by our own bottle of Sake… how is that a terror attack?

 

CHIEF

Well, I was pretty scared…

 

There is an uneasy silence.

 

CHIEF

Anyway, let’s not forget the primary objective of today, keeping that woman away from the Boss and his little party inside…

 

LIEUTENANT

Yeah, yeah, I know.

 

CHIEF

It’s easy money, what are you complaining about?

 

LIEUTENANT

I seem to remember things going horribly wrong every time you’ve ever said that.

 

CHIEF

It’s because our scenes are usually written in a rush.

 

LIEUTENANT

Mmm. Quite.

 

VITA approaches from behind and tazes CHIEF and LIEUTENANT, who collapse in a “oh well, saw this coming” style.

 

 

15        Int, Day, Stage                                                                                               15

Introduction for Angeliene.

 

NARRATOR

Now, finally, Time to introduce our final nominee. Since blasting off into the history books over two months ago, this nominee has completely revolutionized the field of space exploration. Her experiments have advanced human knowledge further than ever thought possible. Unfortunately for this nominee, her work is not recognized as “science,” and hence the only Nobel Prize she qualifies for is this one. Sure, this connection is shaky, but it makes more sense than invading a planet that’s covered in a substance that can dissolve your kind. Since this last nominee is only a late entry, there is no pre-arranged video, however we have established a live feed with the International Space Station, so I’d now like to introduce the third and final nominee for the Peace Prize, Angeliene Brighties! Are you there, Angeliene? Come in Angeliene!

 

16        Int, ISS                                                                                                           16

We do a similar cut to the screen, and we see ANGELIENE running around the ISS waving a paper fan and hitting things all over the joint, occasionally stopping to stop a finger puppet to death.. She hits a cupboard (one that has been kept closed the entire series) and smoke bellows out. Inside there is a big, red, “manual over ride” level. With an insane cackle, ANGELINE pulls it. The lighting turns read, klaxons start blaring, and smoke pours out from everywhere.

 

ISS

Self Destruct Sequence activated. Evacuation recommended. Self destruct in fifteen seconds.

 

ANGELIENE

To the escape pods!

 

ANGELIENE runs off to the escape pod, we see the control panels explode, and the screen then switches to static.

 

17        Int, Stage                                                                                                        17

After a few seconds of static, the screen goes back to a holding slide and the lights come back up.

 

NARRATOR

Well, I believe that takes Major Brighteys off the nomination list, so now let’s leave the judges to decide which of the remaining nominees is most worthy of this year’s peace prize. Whilst we await their decision, we’ll hear a short routine from S-City’s finest stand-up comedian. Ladies and Gentlemen, would you please welcome to the stage… Jo-Ellen Curtin!

 

There is moderate applause from the audience, and JO-ELLEN bounds onto the stage. She carries a hand-held radio mic, and as she reaches centre stage, NARRATOR walks off the stage.

 

JO-ELLEN

(We all know I’m shite at this bit, so I’ll leave it to someone else to write)

We cut to a side-shot of the stage. We see EVAN climbing a ladder, carrying a ACME-style stage sandbag (I would prefer a shotbag, but no-one would know what that is).

 

JO-ELLEN

(Second half of comedy routine)

 

We now see that EVAN is above the stage, and is aiming the sandbag.

 

JO-ELLEN

(Makes bad pun)

 

EVAN raises the sandbag, as if to throw it. In doing so, he grunts. JO-ELLEN looks up and sees him. Their eyes meet, and EVAN softens. He puts the sandbag down on the grid. They do the “stare-into-each-other’s eyes” for a  second, then NARRATOR returns to the stage.

 

NARRATOR

Ladies and gentlemen, Jo-Ellen Curtin!

 

NARRATOR claps JO-ELLEN off stage.

 

 

18        Int, The Stage                                                                                                18

NARRATOR

And now, I’d like to ask the remaining nominees to the stage for the announcement of the award.

 

SVEN, DIETER and DANGCHAO get up on stage, and line up in classic reality-TV style.

 

NARRATOR

Before I announce the winner, the judges have asked to say a few words. Police Commissioner Laird, your thoughts?

 

We cut to a shot of three judges sitting in panel style. One is ZAPP (from Ep 4), one is the POLICE COMMISIONER (from EP 2) and the final judge is an AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMAN.

 

POLICE COMISSIONER

Well, I think we’ve seen a strong performance from both acts tonight. Xau, you have the moves, you’ve got the right idea, and you’ve got my vote.  As a soldier of justice, I totally agree with your stylish method of bringing order. 5 points!

 

NARRATOR

Zapp, as a talented space exploration commentator, I’m sure you’ve got some highly (pause) relevant thoughts on this matter?

 

ZAPP

I sure do, dude. Xau, way to go dude. Totally agree with you on the whole dissident situation. However, you’ve really got to admire Sven and Dieter. Just look at them, they’re so… cool…

 

NARRATOR

Once again Zapp, thank you for reminding us that as long as you’re on television, you don’t need to be capable of independent thought…

 

ZAPP (O/S)

Thanks man…

 

NARRATOR(CONT’D)

And so we have a tie-breaker situation. For the final decision, let’s heard from the “Diva of the Sea” Sophie Apple!

 

SOPHIE

Xau honey, you had it going on tonight. I mean, wow. But, at the end of the day, I think that Sven and Dieter have really got what it takes. They’ve got the looks, the voices, and most importantly, the moves. If it were a perfect world, I’d take all of you, but it isn’t, so I’m going to have to go with Sven and Dieter.

 

NARRATOR

And there you have it, Sven and Dieter Kohler are this year’s Nobel Peace Prize winners! And now, the acceptance speech…

 

SVEN and DIETER take to the lectern. They move the microphones so that they have one each.

 

SVEN

Thank you very much everyone, this is a great honor.

 

DIETER

Ja, it is. And I would like to take this time to thank our muther und father, everyone from the Rhine, and, most of all, the soldiers around the world that are fighting to keep us all safe…

 

SVEN

(Interrupting)

Dieter, you can’t thanks soldiers…

 

DIETER

Why? Why can’t I thanks the soldiers?

 

SVEN

Because this is a peace prizes. Peace prizes. Soldiers are not peace.

 

DIETER

But they protect peaces, do they not?

 

SVEN

Gevalt! You are ein baka!

 

DIETER

You can’t call me baka, einen baka!

 

SVEN and DIETER start a bitch-slap fight, during which the Peace Prize gets knocked to the ground, and shatters. The accents start to become ludicrous at this point.

 

SVEN

Now look vas you have done!

 

DIETER

Vat I have done? You mean vat you have done!

 

SVEN

BAKA! I never want to see you again!

 

DIETER

No, I never want to see you again! You are not ein bruder!

 

SVEN and DIETER storm off opposite sides of the stage. NARRATOR returns to the lectern, and rights the microphones.

 

19        Int, Stage and Auditorium                                                                           19

 

NARRATOR

Well, what an unexpected turn of events. Now…

 

JEFF bursts in from the rear of the room

 

JEFF

Hold it right there…

 

The Audience, shocked, turns around to face JEFF.

 

JEFF

I know what you’re up to, and I’m here to put a stop to it…

NARRATOR

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce my Protégé, Jeff Pearce. Golf claps from crowd- as if prompted but unsure…

 

JEFF

I am your protégé no longer, old man. Look at you, resorting to such inefficient means! Relying on supermodels and drunks! A Nobel Prize ceremony? This is your great work?

 

NARRATOR

Come now, my boy. You know as well as I do that this is an appropriate venue as any…

 

JEFF

My, you are weak, aren’t you? Just when, prey tell, did you actually narrate anything?

 

This blow obviously hits NARRATOR hard.

 

NARRATOR

You ungrateful whelp! (Enters “narrator mode”) Suddenly, time stood still for everyone bar the Narrator and his nemesis.

 

The audience freezes. JEFF approaches the stage.

 

JEFF

(to Narrator)

Right- you aksed for it

(turns away from the Narrator to the camera audience)

His cheap trickery doesn’t impress me. He’s lost sight of the path. He has blinded himself with his ‘great work’, and has forgotten who he is. He has become what he has dreaded most- merely a character in his own sick game. Or should I say my sick game…”

 

NARRATOR
(Taken aback. To Jeff) What? What are you talking about?

(to camera audience) A thousand thoughts spin through my head in a second. Suddenly, a shadow of doubt enters my mind. That word… “my sick game”. What could my rouge protégé mean by that? Could the pieces, so carefully set up, poised for the checkmate, merely be pawns in another man’s bigger game? Could the puppet master really be the only the puppet in another man’s show?

 

JEFF

(Breaking out of soliloquy mode)
That’s right. You have become little more than a character in my great work.  Thanks to your training, I too posses the powers of the Narrator!

 

NARRATOR

This can’t be! I would never train you to levels where you could interfere with my work… (under breath) although…

 

We switch to “Narrator vision”, which is basically like every other “vision” ever seen- Mostly red, with yellow displays. The indicators around JEFF are really high.

 

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

I must admit his power levels have increased greatly. But how…

 

JEFF

(Back to normal vision) Ah, I see you’ve just scanned me. And what does that tell you? You needn’t say, as your face has said it all for you…

 

NARRATOR

It tells me I have nothing to fear. (Narrator mode) As one, the masses of the audience rose to attack the intruder…

 

The audience, as one, rises from their seats and tries to attack JEFF with their cutlery.

 

JEFF
(Also in Narator Mode) However, the masses seemed unable to land any blows.

The audience members flail hopelessly around JEFF. We see one man trying to hit Jeff with a loaf of bread.

 

JEFF (CONT’D)

Really Old Man, I expected more from you.

 

NARRATOR

ALT: I wish the audience would stop loafing about.

 

EVAN, Upon hearing the pun, shakes his head clear, and drops the sandbag on NARRATOR’S head. As NARRATOR falls to the stage, the AUDIENCE MEMBERS all come around, and look confused.

At this point, CHUCK kicks in the rear doors, dressed in Combat gear.

 

CHUCK

Alright, who wants to dance!

 

 

Fin

 

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