The Barbeque

Episode 1

By Cpl_Crud and 1 other

Second Draft

June 2005

© Cpl_Crud et al

1.            Ext. Jungle Battle Scene, Night                                                                  1

 

We join DWIGHT in the middle of a firefight. He is in torn-up camo gear, holding a machine gun. There is a short battle scene, with the usual explosions, dead guys, etc. He kills all visible enemies in a short flourish. FEMALE #1 runs on-screen, and embraces Dwight.

 

FEMALE #1

Oh Gregor! You’ve saved Christendom once again!

DWIGHT

(Laughing, manly and over acting)

It’s al in a day’s job…

FEMALE #1
Oh! Gregor!

As Dwight and Female #1 embrace, we pan back and out to see that this is scene is actually part of a movie set. We see a camera, some lights, and the crew. The MOVIE DIRECTOR, who sits in a director’s chair, picks up his loudhailer.

MOVIE DIRECTOR
(Through Loudhailer)
CUT!

Dwight drops his machine gun and releases Female #1. From now on, he speaks in a “camp” manner. He walks towards the Movie Director. As they start talking, Movie Director gets up to follow Dwight.

DWIGHT

Oh thank god that’s over. Paul, that thing is too darned heavy. (Points at machine gun) I thought I was going to get RSI! In my wrists!

MOVIE DIRECTOR

I know Dwight, I know. But we can only strip it down so much…

DWIGHT

(Practically ignoring Movie Director)

And what’s my motivation? I really don’t feel like I’ve been getting much direction… I mean, am I supposed to gallant or brave in this situation? Really, I can’t work under these conditions! Much more of this and you’ll be hearing from my agent!

MOVIE DIRECTOR

(Sighing)
I know…

At this point, Dwight is standing on a road.

DWIGHT

I mean, all I want is to be treated like the queen I am…

At this point, we see a front shot of Dwight. A car drives on from camera right and hits Dwight. It is driven by EVAN. We then cut to a shot of Evan in the car. He is smoking a cigar. He takes swig from a bottle in a paper bag.

EVAN

I hate bad puns…

2.            Ext/Int Opening Sequence                                                                                                          2

Opening Sequence will be covered in a separate script.

3.            Int Old-Style Study. Time irrelevant.                                                                      3

The study is a well furbished quasi-victorian style room. There is a desk, a bookshelf, a flipchart/slide screen, and a globe. NARRATOR is sitting at the desk in a smoking jacket, and has a pipe and monocle. On the screen, we see a picture of Dwight from the previous scene.

NARRATOR

Hello there, and welcome to the pilot episode of this series. As with any pilot episode, you will be introduced to each of the characters, and given a snippet of their behavior. However, unlike most series, our writing staff is lazy, and will just use me, the Narrator, to perform this task for them. Our first Character, Dwight Delorie, is an action hero. He’s been in many movies, and has blasted away many thousands of imaginary enemies in his time. However, this was not his chosen role in life. Born into a life of luxury, he has always had… different tastes.
Next up is Evan, the bitter and twisted unemployed man. Ever since an undefined point in his past, he has hated people misusing his beloved language. This mania grew

Narrator turns off the slide projector, and sits at his desk.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)

Now, we will meet the third character in this saga, a lonely cosmonaut named Angeliene. Accepted into the United State Space Force due to her brilliance, she quickly bypassed the majority of the training usually administered to the space-bound elite of her nation. Whilst this seemed to make sense at the time, the administration overlooked the most vital of tests- that of mental stability in the face of danger.

4.            Int International Space Station. Time Irrelevant                                                                4

The ISS is a mainly white, futuristic space. There are a number of control panels visible, as well as a microwave. Angeliene is dressed in a “futuristic” uniform, mostly whites and silvers. In the background, on top of one of the control panels, we see a collection of finger puppets.

ANGELIENE

(Speaking Quickly)

Personal log of Major Angeliene Brighties, United States Space Force. Day 29 I’ve been sent to the International Space Station to complete a very important mission. Basically, I’m up here all on my own on a record-breaking one year solo mission. They say that there’s a possibility that someone could go insane if isolated for that long but I really don’t think that will be an issue with me because I’m so strong of mind and I’ve got a large amount of research projects to keep myself busy so I don’t think it will be an issue. Really, there’s so much money invested in this mission and there’s so much that will benefit mankind up here and it’s imperative that  I get back to my research as soon as possible especially considering that it’s about a month into this mission and I’m way behind schedule so I should really get back to work! I’ve got no time to be updating a log that I only just started, even if I was supposed to make daily entries! None of this research is going to finish itself goodbye!

5.            Int. A low-budget apartment, Day.                                                                                          5

This is Evan’s apartment. The furniture is sparse, and everything in the apartment is functional- ie, no ornaments. The coffee table is covered in magazines, mostly “bloke” mags, cars, guns, women. Mostly women.

Evan enters the apartment, throws his jacket over a chair, and goes to the fridge. Inside the fridge there is an assortment of old food and half-empty bottles, including a few beer bottles with their caps off. He picks up one of the beer bottles and sniffs it. He recoils form the bottle, and puts It back into the fridge. He gets another out, sniffs it, and recoils, but not as violently. He shrugs, then starts drinking.

He walks over to the couch (which sits in front of the coffee table), and shuffles through the magazines until he finds the one he wants. I’m thinking a mock-up porn mag, like “Barely Eagle” or “Barely Able” (Having an eagle and a cripple in swimsuits on the covers, respectively) and “admires it for a few seconds. The phone rings. He pushes a pile of magazines over to reveal the phone. He answers it, and we hear someone inviting him to the pub. He agrees, picks up his jacket, takes a swig of the beer, goes to put it in the fridge, takes it back out for another swig, puts it in the fridge, closes it, and heads off.

6.            Ext. A Bush scene, at both the top and bottom of a small cliff. Day.         6

 

HIKER #1 and HIKER #2 are at the top of the cliff, looking down at INJURED MAN, who has fallen down the cliff. He is screaming in pain. At the top of the cliff, Hikers #1 and 2 are discussing their options.

HIKER #1

(Yelling down cliff)
Hang in there mate! We’ll work something out!

INJURED MAN

I think my leg is broken!

HIKER #2

(Yelling down)
Don’t worry, we’ll get you up! It’ll be ok.

Hikers 1 and 2 turn to each other. We occasionally hear Injured Man screaming from the bottom of the cliff.

HIKER #1

Mate, there’s no way that we can get down there… it’s impossible…

INJURED MAN (O/S)

(In the background)

I can’t feel my fingers guys…

HIKER #2

We’ve got to work something out… we’re at least a few hours walk from the car, then at least an hour’s drive into town… he’ll be dead by the time we get back…

INJURED MAN (O/S)

(in the Background)

Guys! I can’t see! I fugen can’t see! What’s this? I think I’m bleeding too!

HIKER #1

(Panicking)

Ok… ok… ok… um… I’m out of ideas… you?

INJURED MAN (O/S)

(in the Background)

Argh! Snakes! I can feel snakes! And Spiders! And I think I just heard a wombat!

HIKER #2

No… I’ve got nothing man… nothing… it’ll take a miracle to save him…

We cut to a shot of a spinning wheel, then back to a wide shot of the two hikers as a sports car skids to a halt. SVEN and DEITER jump out. The Hikers look relived.

DIETER

We heard that you need help

HIKER #1

Yes! Our friend fell down this cliff! We can’t get him up, and he’ll die by the time we get to town.

SVEN

(Laughs) Don’t worry about that, Sven and Dieter are here to save the day. Dieter! Hit the music!

Sven reaches into the car, and some funky, 80’s style pop music plays. Sven and Dieter start posing traditional model poses. The Hikers look confused.

SVEN

Come on guys! Let’s party!

Still more confusion from the Hikers. However, we can now also see the CHEERSQUAD of 4-5 Japanese girls. They clap, cheer and scream whilst Sven and Dieter pose.

CHEERSQUAD

(Ad Libbing)
Sven sama to Dieter sama wa kawaii desu ne!

Sven to Dieter san dai sukii desu!

Atashi wa Sven to Dieter sama ai desu!

The Cheersquad grab the Hikers, and they start dancing. At the bottom of the cliff, Injured Man hears the music, and is uplifted.

INJURED MAN

Hey! I feel better! There had better be some party left by the time I get there!

Injured man starts climbing up the cliff. As he reaches the top of the cliff, he joins in on the party. They all dance.

Cut to a close up of the Models.

SVEN AND DIETER
(groovily)

Yeah! (Give thumbs up)

7.            Int, Narrator’s Room                                                                                                      7

The image suddenly freezes, flickering occasionally, as if it’s a tape on pause. We pan out to see NARRATOR, who is holding a remote control in his hand.

NARRATOR

Ah yes, the World-Famous Super Models, Sven and Dieter Svenson (I think I gave them a surname, but, for the life of me, I can’t remember what it was…). Sired in the sheltered Rhine Valley, their natural beauty and parent’s amazing business skills ensured that they would spend a life in the limelight. Their mission: to spread beauty and taste around the world. No matter where they go, they are swamped by fans. And, just like any other major celebrities, they travel around the world under the assumption that they can solve the world’s problems simply by flying to third world countries.

NARRATOR presses a button on the remote, and the screen goes black. He then takes a seat, and, during the following monologue, he packs a pipe.

NARRATOR

8.            Int, Jeff’s apartment, Evening                                                                                    8

JEFF is in an unmade bed, asleep. The clock clicks over to 5pm, and an alarm sounds. After a few seconds, Jeff gets up, and turns off the alarm. He has obviously gone to sleep in his clothes, and makes no attempt to change them, possibly for the entire series.

JEFF

God damnit, I hate getting up this early.

He goes to his kitchen, mixes 3 tablespoons of instant coffee with 3 tablespoons of milo in a bowl, and adds cornflakes & milk.

JEFF

Ah, the breakfast of champions. Now, to check on the news.

He goes to his computer, and checks his email. A flood of “Get a bigger penis” style spam floods his inbox.

JEFF

Fair enough, business as usual. (a pause, and JEFF eats a spoonful of his breakfast. He deletes the majority of the spam messages, then a further pause) Well, that’s enough work for today, it is playtime. (Loads up a game) Yeah!

I can’t think of how to finish this. I’m thinking about ripping off the Matrix and Computer Boy. IE, he loads up the game, but it goes blank, and then tells him to go to the pub. Anyway, whatever happens, we have to move him from here to the pub somehow.

9.            Int, ISS.                                                                                                                                 9

Angeliene is playing a game of checkers against herself. She moves a couple of pieces, and then says “King me”. Or something like that.

ANGELIENE

Oh hi again I didn’t expect you guys to be back so soon. Originally I was only going to appear once in this episode however the original creator’s script only ran for about 7 minutes and then he panicked and demanded that the writers throw in an extra scene but didn’t quite know how to fill it up so he thought he’d just make me rant for a bit.

(Shifts focus, as if coming out of a trance, no longer to camera) Woah, what the hell was that? Did I just reveal embarrassing secrets or am I just starting to get Space Sickness? Who the hell are the writers? Wait a second, try to think, what did they teach us in Space Force Academy for these situations…

We have a short dream sequence. Angeliene is the only student in a large classroom. A LECTURER (either an “experienced” pilot or a crazy university lecturer) is at the front of the class. On the chalkboard are a few words, under the title “Space Sickness”.

LECTURER

As you can see, common symptoms of Space Sickness include vomiting, dizziness, delirious phases, and the overwhelming desire to murder innocent people. The most common cause for Space Sickness is the lack of mental stimulation, which can usually be remedied by keeping one’s self occupied with books, mind puzzles, and arts (although jigsaw puzzles and painting are strongly discouraged in zero gravity). By constantly stimulating the mind, we believe that solo missions can be extended for many months, nay years, without seeing any symptoms of Space Sickness.

Angeliene takes a bunch of notes, and then we go back to her in the ISS. She looks as if she has just had an epiphany.

ANGELIENE

That’s it! I’ve just been suffering from a bit of Space Sickness! No time for silly games, I’ve got to stimulate this massive brain of mine… That’ll make the time fly right by and I’ll be back on earth in no time…

We see a short montage set to “Passage of time” style music (pianos, slow strings, time words etc). We see Angeliene start and finish a book, draw some intricate artwork, and do something else. This should only go for about 15 seconds, so long as we give the impression of at least a few days passing. We come out of the montage as she finishes one of her tasks (possibly the picture).

ANGELIENE

Wow! That just flew by! I can already feel cured of the Space Sickness….

Somehow, we find out that it’s only been half an hour.

ANGELIENE

(Shocked/angry)

What? You mean that was only half a friggin hour? (to Camera) If I ever find you bastards… (Advances towards camera, and hits it. Cut to static).

 

10.          Int, Dressing room/toilets, night                                                                                              10

JO-ELLEN is wearing a tracksuit, which is over the top of a formal dress (maybe she’s only wearing the top). She’s pacing about, muttering to herself, 8-Mile style. She whispers a few jokes to herself, does a bit of air-punching, then looks in the mirror. This causes her to throw up. She tells herself to calm down, when the ANNOUNCER enters the change room.

ANNOUNCER

5 minutes ‘til you go on…

JO-ELLEN

Ohgodohgodohgod (etc)

Jo-Ellen vomits again, then looks at herself in the mirror

JO-ELLEN

(Into the mirror, giving herself orders)

Come on Jo, pull yourself together. You’ve wanted this for how long now? And now that you’re here, you want to give up? After all I’ve done for you; I can’t believe that you’d throw all that back in my face. (Increasing anger) Do you want to go back to the bank and work as a teller? Do you want to lead a normal life? Do you want to pass up all your fame and celebrity just because you’ve got a few god-damned butterflies in your stomach and you can’t handle the pressure!? I could have trained a monkey with all the work I put into you, and they don’t have mental breakdowns. For one thing, they smoke to damn much! (Laughs, suddenly happy) Hey! I can use that! (Not sure about this line, it seems a bit too much to repeat the joke, however it was pretty subtle) Monkeys don’t have mental breakdowns because they smoke to much…

11.          Int. Bar. Evening/night                                                                                                  11

The bar is a poorly lit, brick-walled room, with a central stage, a bar to one side, and at least one TV on a wall-mounted arm. The stage has typical pub lighting, and a single mic stand DSCL. CHUCK walks in and takes a seat at a table. He waits for a few seconds, looking for a waitress. He spies a WOMAN who is talking to another bar patron.

CHUCK

(To Woman)

Hey! How about you stop chatting and take my friggin order already?

WOMAN

Excuse me?

CHUCK

Stop yapping and get me a beer god damnit. I’m a veteran you know, I deserve a bit of respect.

WOMAN

Hey, I don’t know what you’re on about, but I don’t care. Now leave me alone.

CHUCK

I SAID GET ME A BEER DAMNIT!

WOMAN

Get your own beer you arsehole, your legs aren’t painted on.

CHUCK

(Reluctantly getting up and getting his own beer)

God damned women. I fought for this country, all I want is a bit of respect and a bit of old-fashioned service. (At the bar). Pint of heavy mate. Oh yeah, and that bitch of a waitress wouldn’t serve me.

BARMAN

Here’s your pint, but we don’t have any waitresses on the floor mate, sorry about that

CHUCK

(Containing anger, but only just)

Where the hell is the service these days? (Slowly getting more aggressive towards the barman)I went into battle and ate dirt so pansies like you could stay at home and pour beer and sleep with my fiancée and go to university and get a job and all I want is to have a god damned woman bring me a god damned beer god damnit! (practically foaming at the mouth) Is that too much to ask, your highness? HUH?

BARMAN

Hey mate, clam down, or I’ll have to ask you to leave

CHUCK

(Defensive)

What? What did I do? What did I say? All I said is I want a bit of service and now you want to kick me out? Gimme my beer you wimp. (takes beer and retreats to his seat)I fought for this country god damnit.

CHUCK reluctantly sits down at the same table as EVAN, who has been casually observing this ruckus.

EVAN

So, you’re a veteran, eh?

CHUCK

Yeah, you wanna fight about it?

EVAN

No… not at all. In fact, I was going to…

CHUCK

Ah! So you do want to fight about it!

CHUCK rolls up his sleeve, and puts his elbow on the table, indicating that he wants an arm wrestle.

CHUCK

C’mon! Or are you chicken?

EVAN

Heh, I’m not the type to back down from a challenge, but I must warn you, I have been trained in the art of Arm Wrestling

CHUCK and EVAN have an arm wrestle, and, after a small struggle, EVAN loses.

CHUCK

Ha! Trained in the arts! Pfst!

EVAN

No, it’s not possible… I need… I need more training! I’ll be back…

EVAN gets up from his seat, and runs out of the bar.

12.          Ext. A field with a small hut, day                                                                                              12

We see a small hut sitting in a field. There is a small fire outside, and by it sits a well-built man in an overly exuberant cape: MASTER. He is sipping on some form of alcohol from a earthenware jug (more of the ancient type than the “XXXX” moonshine type).

MASTER

Ah. There’s nothing quite like relaxing with a nice drop by a peaceful fire.

EVAN

(Off Screen, faint) Master…

MASTER

Hmmm?

EVAN

(Still off screen, slightly louder) Master!

MASTER

Could it be that my idiot apprentice has returned?

EVAN runs into shot, sweating and panting, as if he’s just run from a bar to pre-meiji Japan.

EVAN

(Panting) Master, I need your assistance… Teach me the ultimate technique!

MASTER

Ever since you ran off I knew this day would come. I will teach you the technique, but it will require some intensive training…

We are treated to a short montage of varying origins. Included are the “Rocky up the stairs” bit, and a bit with EVAN wearing a Gi and standing under a waterfall.

At the end, we return to the hut and fire.

MASTER

You now know the ultimate technique of the Hiten Kashin style, and can rightfully call yourself “Master”

EVAN

No, I cannot succeed you, nor can I allow this style to be passed into this new, peaceful era.

MASTER

I understand. Go. Now.

EVAN Nods, and then walks off into the distance.

MASTER

Idiot.

13.          Int, the Bar, Evening/Night                                                                                                         13

EVAN burst back in through the doors, mere seconds after he left. He sits at the table with CHUCK, rolls up his sleeves defiantly, and slams his elbow on the table, ready to wrestle.

CHUCK

Oh, so you want a rematch, eh?

EVAN answers with a wry smile/sneer.

CHUCK

Fine, but don’t expect any sympathy from me.

CHUCK rolls up his sleeve and assumes the position. There is tense music, a few cross-shots between EVAN and CHUCK, as well as stares from onlookers. A WOMAN drops a silk handkerchief, and the competition is on. The battle is fought fiercely, and there are numerous crosses between combatants and spectators.

Eventually, it looks as if EVAN is going to win, then, suddenly, CHUCK turns the tables and wins. There are cheers from the audience, a “victory” shot of CHUCK, and finally a “loser” shot of EVAN. There is a quick cut to MASTER, who is sipping on his sake.

MASTER

Idiot.

14.          Int. Same Bar. Evening/night                                                                                      14

An Announcer, dressed in a cheap, grey/blue suit, announces the next act

ANNOUNCER

Ok everybody, and welcome to open mic night at the Push and Turn First up, put your hands together for Jo-Ellen! It’s her first time on stage, so be nice! I saw her “preparing” backstage, and if her jokes don’t make you laugh, the you should at least be able ot laugh at her!

There is minimal applause from the small audience, most of whom are more interested in their half-empty beers. Jo-Ellen bounds up onto the stage and noisily adjusts the mic.

JO-ELLEN

(Bubbly and nervously excited, occasionally giggling at her own routine)

Wow! What a crowd! Sorry about all that noise there. Don’t you just hate bad noises? Like car alarms, screeching brakes, or fingernails on a chalk board?

The audience has, at this point, started ignoring her. Occasionally, a groan escapes from the crowd.

JO-ELLEN (CONT’D)

Let me tell you about a particular bad noise. I live in an apartment block that’s got a dirt garden. Seriously, there’s no grass or plants or anything. But, get this, the strata guys still pay a gardener to come round every week. Guess how he “gardens”? He just uses a leaf blower for an hour then goes home. Every Tuesday, at 10 am, he’s there with his leaf blower. Wakes me up ALL the time. I just want to open the window and shout “Leaf Me Alone”!

Jo-Ellen’s routine is interrupted as she is hit in the head by a beer bottle. She passes out on the stage, and we cut to see Evan on a bar stool, sitting at a table with CHUCK.

EVAN

I hate bad puns…

ANNOUNCER (O/S)

(In Background)

Ok everyone, give it up for Jo-Ellen! (As she’s being dragged off the stage by her feet by the stage hands…)

Evan turns back to Chuck, who is cleaning a pistol on the bar table.

CHUCK

Yeah, back in my day, you could be shot on sight for using too many bad puns. That’s if Charlie didn’t get you first.

EVAN

It’s a shame we weren’t all back in your days…

CHUCK

Why, even speaking too much would get you killed. Charlie was everywhere. He had eyes under the ground, he did. Those filthy Koreans and their tunnels…

EVAN

Koreans?

CHUCK (CONT’D)

…you’d never know when they’d just pop up out of a tunnel and shoot you up. But that’s nothing compared to their PoW camps…

JEFF, a weedy nerd, approaches the table. Chuck has started to assemble his pistol.

JEFF

Um, ‘scuse me guys, do you know where the loo is?

CHUCK

The what?

EVAN

Yeah mate, over that way (Points towards the toilets).

JEFF

Ok, thanks.

Jeff turns and walks towards the toilets and, in the process, bumps the table. At this point, Chuck finishes assembling his pistol. By knocking the table, Jeff spills Chuck’s beer. Chuck get a case of the crazy eyes, puts a magazine into the pistol, cocks it, all whilst standing up.

CHUCK

‘Charlies in the wire man!!!’

CHUCK gets up and follows JEFF towards the toilets

Fin.

6 thoughts on “The Barbecue – Episode 1 – Draft 2

  1. Out of curiosity, are all of the events here just supposed to be random? Or do they all link up to some incredibly insane conclusion?

    (talking about the series as a whole)

      1. Cool. Was wondering if you were doing what some series do, where they kill a character, and then they are just fine in the next part. But I like the idea of slowly connecting everything. Makes it 100x more zany and fun imo.

        Also, I have no idea on how to pm you, which sucks b/c I had an idea on how to get Jeff to the pub. WordPress confounds me.

        *bangs head on desk*

      2. Yeah I’m not sure how to do it here either.
        I think if you stalk me on Twitter you can DM me, or jump on the KS forums and go for a PM there.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s