1 Int, Auditorium 1
Last time, on <The Barbeque>
We see clips of the following from EP 6:
CHIEF and LIEUTENANT getting tazed by VITA
DWIGHT and CHUCK having their scuff
SVEN and DIETER breaking up
EVAN and JO-ELLEN doing the lovey-dovey thing on stage
JEFF being attacked by the masses
NARRATOR getting brained by the sandbag
CHUCK bursting in wearing combat gear
Something completely random (I’m thinking one of two things: Firstly, a pilot fighting to keep his plane steady whilst alarms are blaring, or a shot of the creatives all being drunk/sleeping around a table covered in papers)
(In his Room de Narration)
And now, the conclusion.
2 Opening Sequence 2
3 Int, Escape Pod 3
ANGELINE is sitting in the escape pod. She still has crazy hair and eyes.
I did it! I killed them all! And I got away with it.
A light starts flashing and there is a beeping from the control panel.
Huh? What’s this?
ANGELIENE presses the button.
Thank you for choosing the M8001 Escape pod. We hope you enjoy your experience. Please input co-ordinates for landing.
Well, let’s see, I was nominated for a Nobel Prize; let’s head there, shall we? Computer, set a course for the S-city convention center!
Warning, selected landing co-ordinates are on land…
Well, of course they’re on land…
..As I was saying, landing co-ordinates are on land, and hence will make it hard to “splash down”.
I don’t see the problem.
Splash down. SPLASH DOWN! I would think that it was self explanatory…
(A pause) Well, Obviously it isn’t…
For crying out loud, you’re an astronaut! How can you be that dumb? Splash down, as in “splash into water”. WATER. I recommend that you land in the ocean, or, at the very least, in a lake…
There’s a fountain in front of the convention centre…
You know what? Screw it. I’m just going to point this crate at that friggin’ convention centre then shut myself down. Crashing and burning is infinitely better than talking to a moron. Hope you enjoy you prize ceremony, bitch.
There is a series of beeps from the control panel, and then it goes dark.
Hello? Computer? Helloooo?
ANGELIENE looks out the window, and sees the ground approaching.
Computer! I’m sorry! Please come back, I don’t want to crash into the ground! COMPUTER!!!
4 Int, Auditorium 4
CHUCK, in his combat gear, stands at the door. The audience largely ignores him
Listen up you maggots!
The audience continues to ignore him.
I SAID LISTEN UP MAGGOTS!
Still no response. After a pause, CHUCK fires a round off into the air. The audience erupts into a panic. CHUCK tries to speak over the hubbub, but to on avail.
Listen up you… I said listen… up… (To Self) Oh, for crying out loud. (Fires another round) NEXT PERSON TO MAKE A SOUND GETS A FACE FULL OF LEAD!
This just causes further panic. NARRATOR approaches the lectern.
(Through PA system, acting as the Narrator)
Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats, and let this young man speak.
As if hypnotized, the audience returns to their seats.
Chuck, you may continue…
Uh, thanks. (Blinks, remember what he was doing, starts moving through audience towards DWIGHT) Alright, listen up you maggots. I’ve had it up to here with all of your “peace” crap. Look at you all, congratulating yourselves on keeping the world safe, free and happy.
I’ve got news for you, the world’s not safe, it’s not free, and it’s sure as hell not happy. Sure, it’s easy for us to sit in our ivory towers and say how great the world is, but it’s not. None of you here have been knee-deep in sewerage, trying to drag your wounded buddies to the evac point. You haven’t seen kids thrown ten meters in the air by a misplaced landmine. Hell, until today most of you probably haven’t even heard a gun shot.
Whilst there are humans, there will never be peace. It’s impossible. But you wankers will sit around all day, patting each other on the back, whilst half of the world is currently involved in some kind of conflict or another.
Then again, I don’t blame you. It’s easier to shield your eyes from that type of crap. The people that really, really piss me off are those who profit off other’s suffering, and try to make war palpable to the masses (CHUCK arrives at DIWGHT’S table). People like this man here (rests a gun barrel on DWIGHT’S shoulder), who spend their lives diluting the horrors of war, so that the masses don’t feel so bad when they send their sons and daughters off to die in some pan-Asian shithole. But today, ladies and gentlemen, you’re going to experience, first-hand, the true horror of war. For you see, I’m… going ….to… (Points gun at DWIGHT’S head)
I’m ever so sorry to interrupt my dear boy, however I have an important announcement to make.
Ladies and Gentlemen, an out-of-control piece of debris has fallen from the International Space Station, and is heading for this convention centre. If you could all please evacuate the building in an orderly manner….
Once again, the crowd erupts into a panic, and tries to get out of the building.
5 Ext, Outside the Convention Centre 5
We see the courtyard of the convention centre. The doors burst open and the AUDIENCE spills out. There is the typical stare/point upwards at the fireball that is rapidly approaching. After a few seconds of Panic, SVEN runs to the centre of the courtyard.
Never fear, Sven is here!
He tears off his Tuxedo to reveal another, yet more stylish, tux.
Hit it Girls!
He points to the CHEERSQUAD, who all start to party, however there is no music. They go wild for a few seconds, then stop.
Vas is this? Where is the music?
DIETER then runs into the courtyard.
Baka. Only I have the music. And, since I’m not talking to you, I will keep the music to myself. Hit it!
Music starts playing from no where, and DIETER strikes a few poses. Once again, nothing happens.
Ha! Little miss smarty pants has music but she has no class! Step aside, I’ll show you how it’s done.
They continue to try to out-pose each other, but to no avail.
6 INT/EXT, stage and Entrance to the convention centre 6
NARRATOR, who is still stunned from getting hit on the head, starts to stir. JEFF drags him to his feet, and drags him to the entrance of the convention centre, in order to see SVEN and DIETER
Ah, so you’re awake now. How does it feel to be beaten at your own game?
You insolent whelp! What is the meaning of all this?
Well, let me explain. I knew you were up to something, so I decided to do a bit of interfering. I found out who you were trying to rope into your latest scheme, and I decided to make a few changes to your “great work”.
That’s right. I knew your plans from the beginning. Really, I’d have expected more from a master such as you. You were going to have an insane veteran murder a movie star? Award the Nobel Prize to a pair of super models? That’s your “Great work”?
You don’t understand, this was merely the beginning…
Well, now it’s not. I added a few extra variables to your plans. Like Angeliene, bless her. Really, I didn’t expect her timing with the escape pod to be this perfect. Look at the mess she’s causing. And those models. I knew they’d have a spat, but I didn’t thik it would result in this. (A pause)Nor did I expect Jo to fall in love with your son. That was just perfect…
Yes, you know. The one you abandoned to continue your “work”. The very same man who, less than ten minutes ago, dropped a sandbag on your head.
At this point, EVAN and JO-ELLEN arrive on the scene
Oh look, it’s the MC… .the one you hit with the sandbag…
Ah, Evan, right on cue. I’d like you to meet the Narrator, your real father. He abandoned you to continue with his “work”. How does that make you feel?
No, that can’t be right… my father died of a heart attack.
Yes, your step father died of a heart attack, but I can assure you that this man here is your true father.
I don’t believe you…
Well, if you don’t believe me, will you believe this?
JEFF reaches into EVAN’s shirt and produces an amulet
My Family’s amulet!
JEFF then reaches into NARRATOR’S vest and produces another amulet. He places to two together, and there is a blinding flash of light as the two amulets fuse together.
Then it’s true… you really are my heir… I… I have a legacy!
Holy… how the… although, now that I look at you, you do seem familiar.
Ah! My Boy! We only met for an instant, but you already recognize me…
No… from somewhere else…
EVAN looks at NARRATOR, and we see a quick flash of NARRATOR, in B&W, on the TV (form Episode 4). EVAN jerks, and we see another flash.
So…. It was you…
We now see a short cut of the flashback sequence from Episode 4, and we clearly see that it was NARRATOR on the television, who caused the laughter fit etc.
It was you who gave my stepfather a heart attack… all these years, fighting the wrong battle… oh, the irony…
EVAN is run over by a truck, which is emblazoned “Irony Haulage”
Someone order a truck full of irony? Hmmm, I guess not.
The Truck drives off. JO-ELLEN and NARRATOR rush to the body. JEFF follows after a time.
My son! (Checks pulse) He’s dead!
NO! (starts crying) How am I supposed to raise a child by myself?
I’m pregnant with Evan’s baby.
You mean, with my grandson?
Yes, I only just found out then…
My girl, don’t fret. I’ll support you. How could I turn away the mother of my legacy?
So, you still get your legacy then?
Yes, and, in return, I have something for you…
NARRATOR summons VITA, who reveals her identity.
Hello Jeff, long time no see…
You see, it’s not only you who can add variables to the equation. Now, if you’ll excuse me…
NARRATOR helps JO-ELLEN to her feet, and they walk off.
I thought you died… on the ship…
Really, you think a little explosion like that could get me? The Old Mans’ been keeping me away form you ever since that incident. I’ve tried to contact you, but he’s cut me off every time.
Well, it’s awesome to see you’re alright. You got any plans for this afternoon? You wanna go do something? Or something? It’s cool if you’re busy, I understand… (Trails off)
Well, I was actually going to go say Hi to my brother and sister…
Brother and sister?
VITA smiles, and walks off. After a quick pause, JEFF follows.
7 Ext, Courtyard 7
SVEN and DIETER are still fighting. The CHEERSQUAD surrounds SVEN, but the music only plays near DITER.
You’ll never stop it like that, baka.
I’m still not talking to you… ladeladela
VITA walks up from behind the two, and JEFF trails at a “safe” distance.
Well, well, if it’s not my littler brother and sister, fighting as always…
SVEN, DITER, the CHEERSQUAD and the music all stop. SVEN and DIETER stare at VITA
SVEN and DIETER
I thought you’d surely burnt!
I thought you’d surely drowned!
Well, almost. But that’s not the point. I see you’re trying to slow an out-of-control escape pod that’s falling from a low-earth orbit at terminal velocity, and you’re using posing and music?
I’m posing… she’s using music.
Ah. I see. I thought you would have known by now- the missing ingredient is… Heart!
SVEN and DIETER
The Captain Planet music starts up, and a group of four kids with varying ethnicity form a ring around VITA. As they call out their “power”, they put their fists in the air.
A multi-coloured beam of light lances upwards.
By your powers combined, I am Captain…
CAPTAIN SOMEONE, in the middle of his “emerge from the beam” sequence, is hit by the pod, and falls back to earth.
(To SVEN and DIETER)
Ah, sorry. I thought that might have worked. Anyone got any other ideas?
8 Ext, The Courtyard, Day 8
(Arriving with the crowd still exiting the centre)
Yeah, give me a crack at it.
CHUCK grabs a tie off a bystander, and ties it around his head. He then pulls out two machine guns, and points them skywards.
Let’s see what you’ve got!
CHUCK starts firing wildly into the air, and bullets ricochet off the pod. Initially, there is little effect, but then the course of the pod starts to change slightly. The crowd notices this, and starts to cheer CHUCK on.
Suddenly, one of the guns jam.
What the hell? A JAM!?
DWIGHT bursts through the crowd, and grabs the jammed gun off CHUCK
You idiot! You’ve fired for too long and now you’ve caused a double feed. You keep firing, let me fix this.
CHUCK pauses, unsure of what to do.
Look, I know you don’t think highly of me, but I’ve been trained on basically every weapon out there. You know how obsessed fans are, if they see us use a weapon incorrectly, the studio gets complaints. Watch…
DWIGHT messes around with the gun for a second, and then points it up in the air.
Well? Are we going to save these people or not?
Sure, let’s do it…
CHCUK half-smiles at DWIGHT, who nods back at him. The two both start firing at the pod. Once again, the pod starts to change course, and the crowd start cheering. CHUCK and DWIGHT look at each other, and exchange triumphant smiles.
You know, you’re not so bad for a queen…
And you’re not so bad for an old timer…
There is a moment of general laughter, then both guns stop firing. There is a brief flash between CHUCK, DWIGHT, the crowd, the pod, and then, finally, the empty ammo hoppers
CHUCK and DWIGHT
Out of ammo!
The crowd gasps, and then falls silent. We then hear a van accelerate to the scene, and then screech to a halt. JEFF is inside.
Sorry I’m late guys, but I think I might be able to help. That pod has to have a control computer, and I should be able to hack into it… just give me a few minutes…
There are a few shots of JEFF bashing away on a number of keyboards. There are quick cuts between JEFF, the crowd, and the pod, in order to emphasize the tension. Occasionally, JEFF cries out for “Just a few more minutes!” etc. Finally, he reaches some form of conclusion.
There! This should do it!
He strikes the enter key, and we see the stereotypical “Uploading Stop The Pod Virus” crap. The upload finishes, but the pod’s course is unchanged. There is one of those split-screen type things with everyone looking at the pod, which then switched to just a shot of JEFF, who then looks at his screen, which reads “Navigational System: OFFLINE”.
Oh… That would explain it…
(Screaming) You Idiot!
9 Ext, The Courtyard Day 9
The CHEERSQUAD can be seen at the front of the crowd, obviously in a heated discussion about something. There are whispers along the lines of “Can it be done?” and “She’s never piloted the thing before” etc. Finally, CHEERSQUAD LEADER breaks from the group and approaches CHUCK.
Sumimasen, but I think we can help…
What the hell is a group of schoolgirls going to do?
Oh, come on, it’s not like they can make it any worse… go right ahead girls…
(Grumbling) Right… whatever… just hurry up about it…
The girls all start cheering, much to CHUCK’s chagrin.
Cheersquad powers, Activate!
The CHEERSQUAD do the Power Rangers style “Power Up”, and there is a cloud of smoke. From it rises a giant robot, and in its cockpit is the CHEERSQUAD LEADER. The remainder of the CHEERSQUAD are now in some form of a control bunker.
10 Int, Control Bunker, Day 10
We find ourselves inside the control bunker, which is staffed exclusively by the CHEERSQUAD. On the variety of monitors, we see the Giant robot, the Pod, and a whole bunch of graphs and charts and graphics which must be incredibly important because they are titled in both Japanese and English and have things like “Life” and “Power” next to them. There’s also an array of countdown timers, because, you know, internal power and all that jazz…
Commander, Cheerbot 1 is ready to move out!
Yokai. Watanabe, release the final safety locks!
CHEERSQUAD 3 presses a button, and we see CHEERBOT 1 slumps forward momentarily, before righting itself. CHEERSQUAD 1 presses a button, and we see CHEERSQUD LEADER appear on a screen.
Cheerbot Goki, HASHIN!
(Under breath) Can we really do this? Is she ready?
On the main screen, we see CHEERBOT 1 take a step towards the pod. The pavement cracks and the earth shakes. There are general cheers and excitement in the Control Centre.
Great work Kimiko, now try taking another step!
On the screen we see CHEERBOT 1 lift it’s foot to take another step, but it begins to slip and fall. Suddenly, the control room is lit up with numerous alarms and warnings flashing up incredibly useful information like “WARNING” and “ALERT”.
Ma’am, the nerves are flowing backwards and the pulses are disconnecting!
What? This can’t be happening!
ThirdBridge has been damaged! The tranisition matrix can’t take it anymore!
Pinpoint barrier failing! Sync ratio is below 17!
This figure obviously causes shock around the command centre, and there is a tense moment with a short montage of the prone robot, the pod, and CHEERSQUAD 1’S face, as well as the occasional ALERT sign, in case you forgot. The music build to a climax.
Force-eject the entry plug!
It’s not accepting the signal!
(Angrily) Then what use is the force-eject system?
Oh my god, It’s about to go critical!
The screen goes black, and is replaced by a watery-looking image. We hear a drop of water, and the image changes colour, then fades to black.
11 Ext, The courtyard 11
The shot centers on CHUCK and DWIGHT. All is back to normal.
What the hell was that?
Told you a group of schoolgirls wouldn’t be able to do anything. Looks like we’re screwed, eh?
We cut to the spinning wheel shot that we know and love. The Models’ car skids to a halt in the middle of the courtyard, and the crowd draws an expectant breath. When the doors swing open, however, we see that there is no-one in the car. SVEN, DIETER and VITA are all bickering, but this comes to a halt when they see the car.
Is that really you?
We see a shot of the car, which stands motionless.
(Elated) It really is you! What’s that you say?
We go to a longer shot of the car, as if it were saying something.
Oh car! How right you are!
With the four of us combined, it will be easy to stop that escape pod. Are we all up to this task yes?
Oh Sven, of course…
They embrace, and there is a cheer from the crowd (in the flip-shots we have here, we see a shot of the car, who is embraced by a random bystander). The CHEERSQUAD emerge from the crowd and end up in a group hug with SVEN, DIETER and VITA.
Dieter, some music as you will!
Some absolutely iconic disco song rings out- like Stayin’ Alive or Everybody Dance Now. The CHEERSQUAD dances and the three MODELS pose harder than they ever have before. The crowd continues to cheer, and some even point skyward expectantly. As the song builds to a climax, the shot changes to a silhouette, with the MODELS, CHEERSQUAD and the car standing out clearly above the cheering crowd. They strike one final disco pose, and, in slow motion, the pod crashes down behind them. The screen flashes white, and then slowly fades to black.
12 Ext, A barren wasteland, dusk 12
We fade up from black onto a desert scene. Rubble and ruins are scattered in the foreground and, in the distance, we can see that the devastation is far-reaching. There are a few fade-throughs of ruins of previous scenes, specifically the Convention Centre. After a few seconds of this, we focus on JEFF, who is unconscious and half-buried in sand, and wearing “Post-apocalypse” wear- torn cam pants, unbutton shirt, bandana etc (all characters except ANGELIENE are in this attire).
JEFF stirs, slowly stands up, and briskly dusts himself off. He stumbles around for a bit and finds VITA. He helps her up, and then looks around to see everyone else (bar CHUCK) getting up, dusting themselves off, etc. They converge on JEFF, who is looking at something.
The camera pans around, and we see what JEFF and the others are looking at- ANGELIENE’S escape pod, nestled in the centre of a crater, and glowing/smoking.
The GROUP approaches, and as they get to the lip of the crater, the door to the capsule opens.
A blinding light floods out, and the GROUP is taken aback. A silhouette appears in the doorway, and, as the light fades, we see that ANGELIENE is exiting the pod, however we don’t see much detail of her face.
JEFF scrambles down the crater towards ANGELIENE.
Oh my god, are you all right?
ANGELIENE turns to face JEFF, and we see that she still has crazy hair/eyes.
ANGELIENE karate-chops JEFF’S neck and he instantly falls to the ground. ANGELIENE then launches into the air, turns a somersault, and lands amidst the GROUP, immediately attacking everyone. Individuals try to run, but she cuts them off, or throws rocks at them etc. The whole time she is laughing manically.
DWIGHT, who is trying to flee from ANGELIENE, trips over a rock, and falls. ANGELIENE seizes this moment to pick up a boulder, and is about to bring it down on him, when a sudden wind picks up some sand.
I wouldn’t do that if I were you…
ANGELIENE stops and looks around. DWIGHT uses this opportunity to scurry away to the safety of some rubble.
Who… who are you? Show yourself!
13 Ext, A barren wasteland, dusk 13
We see a sandstorm. Slowly, a silhouette appears in the middle. A tall, strong man, wearing a long bandana (which is blowing in the wind) cam pants, no shirt, dog tags, katana, etc. As the silhouette resolves, we see that it is CHUCK.
I am Chuck McGruder, and I’m here to put an end to your madness. I cannot stand idly by and let you abuse the weak, that I can’t.
And what makes you think you can stop me?
I am but a wanderer, that I am, but I swore to protect the weak.
Well, that’s great, but you didn’t really answer my question…
I have no wish to fight you, but it appears that you leave me no choice…
If you wish to fight me, you will fight me not as the Batosai, but as I am now…
(Genuinely confused, looking less insane) Huh?
Enough of this, draw your sword!
CHUCK and ANGELIENE now face each other, and draw their katanas. There are a few anime-style “eye shots,” a build in the music, and the pair charge at each other. They both jump, swing their swords in mid air, and land facing away from each other. The view switches to silhouettes against a dark blue background.
Close up on CHUCK, but we can see ANGELIENE in the background. A red line appears across his chest, as if he were lightly cut.
You have some skill… but not enough
We zoom/focus to see ANGELIENE fall. CHUCK stands up, sheaths his sword in some overly-articulated move, and walks over to ANGELIENE. He stoops down over her.
My blade has cut the evil spirits from your soul. They will trouble you no more…
Oh… Chuck… how can I ever thank you…
Well, for a start… you could marry me…
Oh Chuck, I will!
They embrace, and the remaining characters gather around them, applauding.
14 Ext, Barren wasteland, late dusk/night 14
As the group encircles CHUCK and ANGELIENE, they cluster in their respective groups- The MODELS and CHEERSQUAD, JEFF and VITA, NARRATOR and JO-ELLEN, CHIEF and LIEUTENANT, and DWIGHT.
After the applause, we go around the circle.
I am sorry that I didn’t stick by you always…
It’s all right; I would have done exactly the same thing. You showed me the weakness in myself ja?
The MODELS embrace
Gomen, I couldn’t pilot Cheerbot Goki.
Iie, it’s our fault for pushing you too hard…
I’m sorry that I never told you I was your father
Um, you’re not…
Lieutenant, I’m sorry that I gave your sister the clap
You did WHAT?
I’m sorry I assumed you were dead when the ship you were on exploded…
Oh, it’s nothing, really… but, there’s something I want to say…
Suddenly, a horn goes off, we see JEFF’S hacker van, which is now “herbie-like” (as in alive and the like. It honks and flashes at JEFF
JEFF runs over and hugs the bonnet of HACKERVAN.
Oh Hackervan, never leave me again!
(Honks and flashes)
There is a final pan around the happy groups, and some lovey-dovey music. The GROUP (less DWIGHT) starts walking off into the sunset. DWIGHT looks dumbstruck.
What in the hell? Where’s my happy ending? What the hell just happened? Where’s the fucking plot?
DWIGHT screams, and pulls a machine gun off his back. Everyone turns to face him. He laughs maniacally.
What the hell, I don’t remember writing this bit…
DWIGHT laughs again, and pulls the trigger. We see a montage of everyone getting shot and dying, interspersed with shots of DWIGHT, lit up by muzzle flashes. Eventually, he runs out of ammunition, but keeps trying to fire the gun. He throws it to the ground and throws his arms in the air. During his “victory” line, a shadow appears over him
A Steamroller lands on DWIGHT. A Stickfigure (?) jumps onto the bonnet of the steamroller.
The picture freezes, and “Steamroller Wins” is printed across the bottom of the screen. Fade to black, credits roll.