1 Ext. Day. A desert/impoverished village                                                              1

We start with a shot of the sun in a cloudless sky, and slowly pan to show two mean in sweat-stained and torn clothes. They are tamping down the last few shovelfuls of dirt onto a grave. The headstone is a poorly constructed wooden cross. In the background, we can see a number of similar graves. They finish, place down their shovels, remove their hats and bow their heads. After a second, they don their hats, collect their shovels and turn back towards the Village.

 

AID WORKER 1

God-damnit, that’s the third one this week! We need to ask the organization for more funds!

 

AID WORKER 2

You know that’s no use, they’re stretched thin as is. We’re just going to have to make do as best we can…

 

AID WORKER 1

As best we can? What the hell’s that supposed to mean? Just look at this for Christ’s sake…

 

AID WORKER 1 knocks the lid off a wicker basket, up-ends it, and pours out its contents- dust. (The basket could possibly have “rice” or “food” scrawled in bad handwriting.)

 

AID WORKER 1

Dust. Dust, dust, and more dust! We’ve got 50 villagers here, not to mention ourselves, and all we’ve got to eat is DUST!

 

AID WORKER 1 throws the basket down and collapses.

 

AID WORKER 2

Mate, pull yourself together. What will they think if they see you, their supposed “beacon of hope,” bawling in the dust? Get on your feet, dust yourself off, and let’s go comfort them.

 

AID WORKER 1

(Seeing the truth in the above statement)

You’re right; we’ve got to put on a brave face. (Putting on fake cheer) The Organization will provide!

 

AID WORKER 2

That’s the spirit. Now let’s get back to the village and start the bonfire- that ought to cheer them up a bit.

 

The two AID WORKERS walk into the centre of the village, and we see shots of the villagers- typical “World Vision” imagery, people on the verge of death, boiling water in the hopes that it will magically turn into a Pot Roast.

A child runs up to the workers.

 

CHILD

(Broken English)

I am very sad that my father dead today, but I know you man will help us not be hungry. I am very hungry

 

AID WORKER 1 loses all control, and collapses to his knees, crying.

 

AID WORKER 1

(Sobbing)

I’m sorry… we can’t help you… the Organization can’t help you… we’re all going to die out here… it would take a miracle to save us….

 

Cut to a shot of the MODEL’S car wheel spinning. It slides to a halt and SVEN and DIETER jump out.

 

SVEN

We hear you’ve been having food trouble, well we’re here to help…

 

AID WORKER 1

(wiping away tears) You are?

 

AID WORKER 2

Um, Did the Organization send you? Because we’re already way over budget, and there’s no food, so…

 

DIETER

Nien, no organization sent us. We are here to help, ja?

 

DIETER claps, and the Music starts. They being to pose and the CHEERSQUAD appear from the various cooking circles. As the posing is happening, the VILLAGERS check their rice-baskets to find them full to the brim, and their “water boiling” efforts apper to be working (ie, the pots are now full of Pot Roast or something similar). The AID WORKES watch on in disbelief.

After a short period of posing…

 

DIETER

Ja, it worked good!

 

SVEN

We would love to stay, but there are more people that are be needing our help, ja? Bye-bye now

 

DIETER

Auf Widerschen!

 

CHEER SQUAD

(Adlibbing a mix of)

Ja! (Jap version, not german) Sayonara! Bai-Bai!

 

The MODELS get into the car and drive off, and the CHEER SQUAD skips after them, followed by the VILLAGERS, who stop and wave.

We cut back to the AID WORKERS

 

AID WORKER 2

What the hell was that?

 

2          Opening Sequence                                                                                         2

 

3          Int, Day, Jeff’s apartment                                                                            3

JEFF is pacing back and forth. His computers are humming, and there is a TV playing in the background. He is drinking from something like the Mug of 3vil…

JEFF

So, the Old Man has finally turned up. It’s been such a long time- I was sure that he would have slipped into totally obscurity by now…

 

JEFF stops to look at the photo of himself and the NARRATOR that we saw on NARRATOR’S desk.

 

JEFF
That Fool! Him and his “Great Work”. Him and his Legacy. Him!

 

He throws the picture to the floor.

 

JEFF

I will, no, I must stop him. For too long he has gone without punishment. But how… and where… He’s too powerful in his Study, I could never defeat him there. No, I need to lure him out of there somehow…

 

JEFF takes a sip from his mug, and paces a bit more. On the TV, we see an ad for the Nobel Prizes. Initially, JEFF pays no attention.

 

NARRATOR (V/O)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to invite you to the presentation of the 182nd Nobel Peace Prizes.

 

JEFF

That voice… His voice…

 

JEFF scrambles for the remote control, and turns up the volume.

 

NARRATOR (V/O)

This year, the Prize Ceremony will occur in the S City Entertainment Complex, on the 6th of February. This High Profile event will see the world’s A-list attending our fair city- Movie Stars, Businessmen, Politicians and Entertainers will all be here to pay tribute to those dedicated souls who make this world worth living in. MCing the event will be myself…

 

JEFF turns off the TV before we can hear NARRATOR’S name.

 

JEFF

(Evil Chortle) Well, old friend, it looks as if fate itself has chosen our final battleground… now, to prepare…

 

JEFF skulls the remainder of his mug’s contents, then starts typing furiously on his keyboard. We fade out.

 

4          Int, Day, Chuck’s Apartment                                                                      4

CHUCK enters the apartment through the front door, clutching a wad of mail, mostly late notices.

 

CHUCK

(looking through mail)

Late… Late.. Overdue.. Late… Final Notice… Late… aw screw it! (Throws mail in bin, gets a beer). I’m A god-damned vet, I’m not going to pay any damned bills…

 

He opens the beer, sits on a chair and turns the TV on.

 

REPORTER(V/O)

Amongst the celebrities arriving for next week’s Nobel Prize ceremony is Dwight Deloire, the star of such action films as “Slipping in from behind, A Commando Story”

 

CHUCK spits out his mouthful of beer, and throws the remote at the TV.

 

CHUCK

That queen’s coming to my town? That does it!

 

CHUCK gets up, and goes to his wardrobe. He puts his beer on the dresser. He rips all of the clothes out to reveal a safe hidden in the back of the closet. He throws the bolts, pulls a little string, and a light comes on, revealing his Jungle Greens, webbing and rifle, hanging so that they look like they are being worn (hard to explain in words).

 

CHUCK

Betty… we’ve got one last mission… it’s time to come out of the closet….

 

EVAN runs into the shot and beats CHUCK over the head with an ET. After a few seconds of beating, he stops, wipes the sweat from his brow, and has a look around.

 

EVAN

Not a bad place you’ve got here… (notices the beer, points to it) Ah, you going to finish that? (pause) Didn’t think so.

 

EVAN grabs the beer, starts drinking, steps over CUHCK’S body, and walks out of shot.

 

CHUCK

(Moaned, without getting up)

I’m a god-damned vet…

 

Fade out.

 

5          Int, ISS                                                                                                           5

We fade up on ANGELIENE, who is wearing all the remaining finger puppets, bar one. Once again, she is going through her checklist. This time, however, we see each finger puppet give a “check” by nodding.

 

ANGELIENE

Dynotherms? Power-lock? Saftey shutter? Timer set? Materials in place? Human user interface?  Right, here we go!

 

ANGELIENE presses Start on the microwave, and then starts her log.

 

ANGELIENE

Personal log of Major Angeliene Brighties, United States Space Force. Day 57. After the unfortunate loss of Lt Brent a fortnight ago, we have finally resumed our vital experiments. Initial telemetry shows a stable heat transfer in the subject. I will update on progress shortly. End log.

Well, nothing left to do now but wait. Matt, how’s about we finish that chess game?

ANGELIENE looks down at her hand, and notices a finger without a puppet.

 

ANGELIENE

Matt? Matt? Where are you?

 

ANGELIENE starts a frantic search for MATT. She looks in completely stupid places, such as in cups and under floor. After a few locations, she realizes, in horror, that the microwave is on.

 

ANGELIENE

(Quietly, as if afraid to hear the answer)

Matt?

 

ANGELIENE edges towards the microwave, and leans down to look in.

 

ANGELIENE

(Extremely quiet)

Matt?

 

ANGELIENE comes level with the microwave, and a sudden look of horror appears on her face. We see a shot of MATT sitting atop the Pizza Pocket.

 

ANGELIENE

(Screaming frantically) Matt! Matt!

 

ANGELIENE frantically tries to open the microwave, but to no avail. We see the counter count down from 7 seconds. As soon as the counter reaches zero, ANGELIENE throws the door open and retrieves MATT, how is horribly disfigured and melting all over the place. ANGELIENE loses her composure and starts sobbing.

 

ANGELIENE

Matt… I’m so sorry…

 

MATT

<It’s ok.. it wasn’t your fault…>

 

ANGELIENE

Of course it’s my fault…

 

MATT

<I can see the light… tell Lucy I love her…>

 

ANGELIENE

No! Don’t go! You’ll tell her yourself, just as soon as we get you back and solid earth, eh? Matt… matt…

 

MATT dies. ANGELIENE falls to her knees.

 

ANGELIENE

(Passionate, “No” yell)

MATT!

 

ANGELINE then collapses completely, sobbing to herself. We crane up for a top-down shot, and then fade out.

 

6          Int, Day, Evan’s apartment.                                                                         6

EVAN enters through the front door, still swigging on the beer he stole from CHUCK’S house earlier this episode, which is almost empty. He flops onto the couch, and tries to turn on the TV. After furiously pressing buttons for a few seconds…

 

EVAN

Oh yeah…

 

We take a reverse shot to reveal the bottle still stuck in the TV (From EP 1). EVAN leans forward to place the remote on the coffee table, and, as he does so, notices JO-ELLEN’S business card from EP 3. He ponders it for a second, picks it up, and then sags back into the couch. He goes to take another swig from the beer, only to find that it is empty. He throws the bottle behind the couch. Card still in hand; he goes to the fridge, only to find it devoid of beer. The contents of the fridge need to be only a single pickle, sitting on the shelf by itself. He closes the fridge with the hand that is holding the card. He eyes it for a second, then picks up the phone and dials a number.

 

EVAN

(Into phone)

Um, hi, you might not remember me- we, uh, met in the “Push and Turn” a couple of weeks ago… you were in a rush because you had to go on stage… My names Evan…(trails off)

 

JO-ELLEN (O/S)

Evan… Evan… Oh! Evan! I remember now, you bought me a scotch!

 

EVAN

Yeah, that was me…

 

JO-ELLEN (O/S)

Hi! What’s up?

 

EVAN

Well, I was, er, headed out for a beer, just wondering if you wanted to tag along?

 

JO-ELLEN(O/S)

Sure thing! Where did you have in mind?

EVAN

Well, the location budget is only big enough for one bar scene, so how about the Push and Turn?

JO-ELLEN(O/S)

Sounds great! I’ll see you there in about an hour?

 

EVAN

Yeah… an hour… sounds great… ah…

 

JO-ELLEN

See ya! Bye!

 

EVAN

Uh, bye…

 

EVAN hangs up the phone, in the mood of “Am I doing the right thing here?”  He looks at the phone for a second, and then suddenly looks up and out the window, as if he has heard something. He rushes out the front door, grabbing some impossible object on the way.

 

EVAN

(Whilst running) I heard that you bastard! I hate bad puns!

 

7          Int, Day, Dwight’s Agents Office                                                                 7

DWIGHT is sitting on a lounge, across a desk from his agent, CLINT. DWIGHT is looking quite displeased, as if things aren’t going his way. CLINT looks furious, probably because he is furious.

 

CLINT

Just what type of crap were you trying to pull?

 

DWIGHT

What the hell are you talking about?

 

CLINT

What? Don’t you even remember? That “altercation” of yours at the premier the other week? You got into a fight with some drunk, and ht cops had to save your arse? It’s been front page news for a week now (throws some newspapers on the table)… You’re telling me you don’t remember?

 

DWIGHT

Oh… that… I thought you were fixing it for me…

 

CLINT

I’m TRYING to fix it for you, but you’re not helping. Everything I set up for you, you reject. You’re getting your nails done, or you don’t like swimming with the dolphins…

 

DWIGHT

They smell of fish…

 

CLINT

(Losing his cool)

I don’t care what they smell like! People love you because you’re the… caring but tough type. The drunken hobo made you look like some war-mongering boy scout! You’ve had three casting offers retracted already! And brawling with veterans definitely isn’t the behavior people look for in a governor!

 

There is a pause whilst the subtitle “<The Barbeque is a fictional story. Any similarities to real life are in your head” displays on the screen.

 

CLINT (CONT’D)

Whatever. Look, I’ve got to do something to salvage this mess, and you’re not helping.

 

DWIGHT

But all that “play nice” crap is so… boring…   (His gaze heads back towards his nails).

 

CLINT

(Sighs) Well, if that’s how you feel, then you’re pretty much screwed.

 

CLINT sags back into his chair, and then notices the newspaper (which we don’t see yet). CLINT suddenly gets an idea, picks up the newspaper, and half-stands up.

 

CLINT

What if I could get you a gig that fixed all our problems, but promised to be one of the most liquored, depraved and perverted parties the city has ever seen?

 

DWIGHT

Sounds like my kind of solution… What is it?

 

CLINT drops the paper on the table in front of DWIGHT, and taps a news article.

 

CLINT

(Triumphantly smug)

The Nobel Peace Prizes…

 

DWIGHT

Will I have to… do anything?

 

CLINT

You’ll have to wave for the cameras for the opening ceremony, then you can do whatever you want.

 

DWIGHT

(Reluctantly)

Fine… I’ll do it… but you had better make sure there’s a bar tab there for me… and the barman better be under 20… and… blonde…

 

CLINT

Right, right, the usual, I got it.

 

DWIGHT

You need anything else?

 

CLINT

No, I can handle it from here; I’ll call you later with the details.

 

DWIGHT

Right, sure, whatever.. I’ve gotta go get me a pedicure…

 

DWIGHT gets up and leaves. CLINT picks up the phone.

 

CLINT

Hello? Sam’s Escorts? Yeah, It’s Clint, I’ll take one of the “usual” for the Nobel prizes, thanks Pam. (Hangs up). I fucking hate this job…

 

8          Ext, Day, an Undercover Police car parked near a park.             8

CHIEF and LIEUTENANT are sitting on the bonnet of their car, eating doughnuts and drinking coffee. They are obviously on a stake-out, and it obviously is an ineffective one. By an “ineffective stakeout,” I mean CHIEF is constantly looking through binoculars. For no particular reason (yet) there is a bottle of Sake on the bonnet as well.

 

LIEUTENANT

So, you heard about this new glock?

CHIEF

(Distracted)

New what?

 

LIEUTENANT

The new glock fifty-cal. Talk of the town in handgun land. Lighter and less kick than the Desert Eagle, but another 4 rounds per clip. That’s some serious hardware, I’m telling you.

 

CHIEF

Bah, these new guns suck. (Romantically, as if he were talking about a woman) I used to pack a 222 rifle… wooden stock, 10 round mag… smelled really good…. (drifts off)

 

LIEUTENANT

You, er,  packed a rifle?

 

CHIEF

Yeah, that would have been well before your time. We used to call them “Guns” too…

 

LIEUTENANT

(Worried)

So, uh, what you carry these days?

 

CHIEF

(Whips out his pistol, whilst still looking through his binoculars)

Thirty-eight stub. Enough stopping power to drop a boar at fifty meters, heavy enough to pistol-whip any whiny little sissies into submission, small enough to be used in the bedroom…

 

LIEUTENANT

(Obviously Uncomfortable)

So, er, who are we looking for again?

 

CHIEF

(Sighs) How many times do I have to tell you…

 

LIEUTENANT

(Under breath)

Well, you haven’t actually told me yet- you just said “Right, time for a stakeout” and we’ve been here ever since…

 

CHIEF

The old man wants us to keep our eyes out for this chick.

 

CHIEF hands LIEUTENANT a Polaroid, which we don’t see. A HOODED FIGURE appears in the background, and slowly approaches the COPS.

 

 

LIEUTENANT

(Whistles)

Well… ain’t she a piece of work. She a working girl or something?

 

The HOODED FIGURE has now crept up on the COPS, and grabs the bottle of sake.

 

CHIEF

I dunno. We’ve just got orders to find her and keep her out of town until the Nobel Prizes are over. He’s paying us triple as well.

 

LIEUTENANT

Ah… so that’s why we’ve got sake on a stakeout… (Turns to grab the sake) hey, where the hell?

 

The HOODED FIGURE uses the bottle to knock out the COPS. She then goes through their pockets and finds a scrap of paper. She puts this in her pocket, burns the Polaroid, and then leaves..

 

9          Int, ISS                                                                                                           9

ANGELIENE, clearly distraught, throws the remains of MATT into the rubbish bin, has a “5 seconds silence,” and then heads towards the bedroom.

The door to the bedroom is closed.

 

ANGELIENE

(Depressed)

Hey, honey, are you up? I really need to talk to you…

 

ANGELIENE opens the door, and looks inside. We see a shot of the bed, which is practically made, bar a small lump in the middle.

 

ANGELIENE

Hey, stop playing games, this is serious…

 

ANGELIENE pulls back the covers to reveal MATT and another finger puppet lying together.

 

ANGELIENE

Matt? What’s going on here?

 

MATT

<It’s not what you think…>
ANGELIENE

Not what I think? What, you were walking around naked and tripped and fell onto her?

 

MATT

<Now, don’t go getting all crazy>

 

ANGELIENE

(Angry)

Don’t you tell me what I can and can’t do. If I wanna go crazy, then I’ll go crazy!

 

ANGELIENE gets the crazy eyes, and pulls a rubber mallet out from behind her back. She cackles insanely.

 

ANGELIENE

Take this you skank!

 

ANGELIENE uses the mallet to knock the other puppet across the room.

 

MATT

<Holy Shit! What the hell did you just do?>

 

ANGELIENE

What did I just do? What did I just do!? I was just cleaning up the competition, baby! And now it’s your turn!

 

We have another manic cackle, and the scene goes to B&W. ANGELIENE raises the mallet above her head, and we get a close up of the crazy eyes. We cut to a side-shot, with a negative silhouette (ie, ANGELIENE and MATT are in white, the rest is black) with the mallet in red. ANGELIENE laughs one more time, and brings down the mallet. We cut to black as the mallet strikes.

 

10        Int, Night, the Push and Turn                                                                     10

EVAN and JO-ELLEN are sitting at a bar. Although they are both obviously quasi-uncomfortable, there are a few empty glasses in front of them, indicating that the buffer effect of a few drinks has made them slightly more at ease.

 

EVAN

So… How’d you get into the stand-up game?

 

JO-ELLEN

Well, it was always a dream of mine… as a kid I’d put on little shows for my friends, making fun of teachers and the like… but my parents didn’t approve, and I was always in trouble at school, so by the time I got to uni, they’d pretty much broken me…

 

EVAN

Wow, that sucks. What did you end up doing? A degree in arts? Something like that?

 

JO-ELLEN

No, my dad wouldn’t have a bar of that, so I did an economics degree. But, because of the depression, I could only get a job as a bank teller. (Goes back to drinking)

 

EVAN

And? Then what happened? How’d you end up here?

 

JO-ELLEN

Well, one day, I just got up and left. I saw that the Push and Turn was having a comedy competition, so I signed up. I had my first show about a month ago, and that’s what I’ve been doing since. What’s your story?

 

EVAN

Well, my story is a lot like yours, only better, because it doesn’t involve and economics degree.

When I was 6, my mother died of breast cancer…

JO-ELLEN

Oh, I’m so sorry…

 

EVAN

It’s ok, I’m over it. Anyway, when I was eight, my Dad was killed by a bad pun. I had to live with my great-aunt. Her smothering influence turned me from a bright-eyed lad into an emotionally unstable recluse. Auntie’s remedy to everything was boiled vegetables, to the point where, when I was 14, I developed a skin condition that had me out of school for a year. After that, I rarely left the house. When I was 27, Auntie died, and the spell was broken. I was able to reflect on my life, and realized that it was hollow and pointless, and it was all the fault of that single bad pun. I swore vengeance on the comedian whose puns killed my father.

But, since I don’t know who it was that came up with the pun, I’ve been forced to wipe out all bad puns. You know, like that movie, the one where the guy kills all the dragons in order to kill his arch-nemesis, the evil prince?

JO-ELLEN

Oh, you mean Dragonh….

 

BARKEEPER
Here’s your drinks. Oh yeah, the producers say if you breach copyright you’ll be fired from the cast… We can’t afford the lawsuits…

JO-ELLEN

Well, um, I don’t know how to put this, but… well, I’m performing at the Nobel Prizes next week… It’s a big break for me. I, er…

 

EVAN

Yes?

 

JO-ELLEN

Well, I was wondering if you could come along and support me.

 

EVAN

I think I can manage that…

 

JO-ELLEN

Wow! Really? Thanks! I’ve got a table to myself, so if you know anyone that wants to come….

 

CHUCK, obviously drunk, staggers into the bar, and sits down next to EVAN. He is dressed in his combat gear.

 

CHUCK

You! Barkeep! Get me a beer! Evan! EVAN! They’re getting to me… one of them got the drop on me this afternoon… mongrel stole my beer…

 

EVAN

(Embarrassed)

Erm, well, that kinda sucks…

 

JO-ELLEN

Is he your friend?

 

EVAN

Oh, um, yeah. Jo, this is Chuck, Chuck, Jo.

 

CHUCK

(Grunting)

Hey

 

JO-ELLEN

Pleased to meet you. (To EVAN) Say, I’ve got a few free seats for next week; do you think Chuck will want to come?

 

EVAN

Yeah, so long as there is free beer, he’ll be there.

 

JO-ELLEN

Great! The more the merrier!

 

EVAN

Oh yeah, and don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on him, so that he doesn’t disturb the peace!

 

EVAN is hit on the back of the head by a flying bottle, and he passes out on the bar. We pan across to see another EVAN sitting at a table, who has obviously just thrown the bottle.

 

EVAN 2

What, you’re expecting us to make sense now?

 

EVAN 2 sits back down, and opens another beer.

Fin.

 

 

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