1 Ext. Night. Outside a movie theatre                                                                      1

We are at a movie premier. There are searchlights, flash bulbs, screaming fans held back by burly bouncers (and one bouncer who is tall and skinny, who has bum fluff on his chin in a poor attempt at a goatee). Somewhere in the mix, we see CHIEF and LIEUTENANT. A car pulls up, and the DIRECTOR from episode 1 gets out. We cut to a REPORTER, who is talking to a news camera and holding a microphone.

REPORTER

And here’s Thomas Lamas, director of Guns Ablaze. Other movies in his career include “756: Working for the State” and the massive flop “Slow,” in which he reportedly was crushed, and failed to make the first day of shooting…

We go back to generic shots of the crowd greeting the Director. A limousine pulls up, and the crowd goes wild with anticipation.

REPORTER

A limo has just pulled up, and there’s only one man who could be inside, Ladies and gentlemen, Dwight Delorie!

The crowd erupts, and we cut to a foot-shot from the car. We see a very high stiletto and fishnet stockings thinly veiling what appear to be manly legs. The crowd quickly quiets down to a cricket’s chirp. We see shots of horrified faces and people covering children’s eyes etc. We go back to a shot of the limo, from which we can still only see the leg. We hear the sounds of someone very manly struggling to get out of the car. There is the sound of breaking glass, and a DRAG QUEEN comes flying out of the limo, falling on it’s bum. A sigh of relief comes from the crowd

REPORTER

Ha ha, sorry about that folks. I introduce Dwight’s lovely wife, Delilah! And here’s the man of the hour, Dwight!

Dwight gracefully exits the car, arms in the air, and is met with a barrage of flashbulbs and cheers. He helps his “wife” up, and they walk down the red carpet, arm in arm. A number or reporters ask typical entertainment style questions, and he answers them in suit.

We cut to a shot of the crowd near the door. There is a commotion, and suddenly CHUCK, holding a bottle in a paper bag, manages to get past the security cordon, to ad-libbed shouts of “I’m a veteran, damnit!” Chuck stands in the middle of the red carpet, and comes face to face with Dwight and Delilah. The crowd gasps, and then silences to watch what happens.

REPORTER

It appears as if a fan has really gone out of his way to get an autograph tonight!

LIEUTENANT

Sir! Permission to engage the target!

CHIEF

Oh, come on, it’s just some fan… what harm could he do?

CHUCK

(drunk)

You fake! (Throws his bottle to the ground) You pounce around pretending you know what war’s all about! You know nothing! All you do is cheapen the lives of all of those brave men that died so that you could marry some starlet and snort crack of small Mexican boys!

DWIGHT

(Shocked)

How did you know about that? (shocked look form the crowd) Wait, I mean, what are you on about, you crazy bastard?

CROWD

(Together)

Ooooh… (a few people Ad libbing) That’s gotta hurt… etc

CHUCK

(Indignant, slightly surprised)
Me? Crazy? I never thought I’d live to see the day that a Veteran who fought for his country would be called “Crazy”!

Silence from the crowd.

LIEUTENANT

Sir! This is getting out of hand…

CHIEF

Let the man talk, damn…

LIEUTENANT

But Sir…

CHIEF

(Cutting off Lieutenant)

Shh….

REPORTER

Wow! It looks like no expense has been spared here! Can Dwight defeat the Crazy Veteran? Let’s watch…

CHUCK

CRAZY VETERAN! I’ll show you queers crazy!

Chuck picks up a shard of glass from his bottle, and lunges at Dwight. Lieutenant crash-tackles Chuck and a group of guards drag Chuck away. Chief pulls Lieutenant to his feet, and Dwight does a bit of parading for the camera. He goes to shake Lieutenant’s hand, but Chief intercepts it.

CHIEF

Great show sir! I’m sorry about this clown (gestures to Lieutenant)

DWIGHT

But he…

CHIEF (CONT’D)

He’s headed for demotion, don’t you worry sir! Enjoy your movie. (Dwight leaves, Chief turns to Lieutenant) One more stunt like that and I’ll bust you down to sergeant. Let’s get out of here.

 

The Police Officers walk past an alleyway. The camera leaves them and goes down the alley, where the security guards dump Chuck. They leave, and on their way out of shot, the goatee guard keys a car that’s in the alleyway. Chuck clambers to his feet.

CHUCK

Hey! Where are you suckers going! I can take you! Oh, so this is how you deal with the truth, you just dump it? Well, let me tell you, us veterans aren’t rubbish!

Behind Chuck, a car turns on it’s lights, and speeds towards Chuck. There is an impact, and we cut to black.

2.         Opening Sequence                                                                                         2

 

3.         Int, Narrator’s Study.                                                                                   3

The NARRATOR, in his smoking jacket, is smoking his pipe and toying with the Globe.

NARRATOR

Societies love their winners, their… idols. Without an “elite” to look up to, a society will quickly turn into anarchy and collapse, only to regain its feet when a new breed of idols come along. For our current society, this all started with the monarchy; the aristocracy; the nobility. In time, they were replaced by the social elite, and, after the invention of mass media, the “stars”. Most people know more about the details of the latest Hollywood love affair than they do about the workings of their microwave.

There was a short period of time when these “idols” were the soldiers that protected our right to bear false idols. It was roughly between the introduction of the media, and the rise of Hollywood films. This was mainly because we won. But, as the years rolled on, and we started losing conflicts, this hero worship faded with it, until our veterans were viewed as crazy old men who fought as pawns meaningless wars.

Now, however, a Veteran has a chance to put things right. His chaotic past has led him into conflict with an action hero, and, as you just saw, his actions have instantly landed him in the public eye. With some guidance, he will change the fate of veterans everywhere.

Across town, in their action penthouse, a different pair of idols were also about to have their destiny changed…

4.         Int, Day, The Model’s Action Penthouse                                                    4

SVEN and DIETER are hanging a picture frame amongst a plethora of similar frames. They all contain newspaper clippings with headlines such as “child Models save POWs” and “Dramatic Cliff top rescue by Models.” They finish hanging it, and take a step back to admire their work.

SVEN

Ah… we’ve done so much good, ja?

DIETER

Yes… but I think we could do more, ja?

SVEN

Ja? What do you mean?

DIETER

Well, we’ve helped so many people, but the world still hasn’t changed? Don’t you remember why we started doing this?

SVEN

Ja, I remember. I remember those days in the Rhine… oh so peaceful…

SVEN and DIETER

(Together)

Vee love Ze Rhine!

DIETER

Ja, and do you remember our pledge?

SVEN

Ja, I remember- to make the whole world as beautiful and peaceful as our Rhine…

SVEN and DIETER

(Together, practically saluting)

Vee love Ze Rhine!

SVEN

Let us make a pact! We will use our good looks and parties to bring peace and beauty to the world!

DIETER heads over to a desk, where she grabs a pen and paper, and begins to write as they both call out suggestions

DIETER

Ja! We will write a manifesto! We shall combat hunger! And apartheid!

SVEN

Terrorisim! Pollution!

DIETER

Capitalist pigs!

SVEN

Communist Dogs!

DIETER

Script writers!

SVEN

Directors!

DIETER and SVEN

Dandruff!

The MODELS continue to keep writing furiously (looking like they are scribbling), and we see various world issues flat across the screen. After a few seconds, they stand up, triumphantly, and look at the paper they have been scribbling on. We cut to see the paper, which looks something like the Magna Carta, or the declaration of independence, whatever.

DIETER

It’s Beautiful!

SVEN

Ja, it is beautiful, just like our beloved Rhine…

SVEN and DIETER

(Together, saluting)

Vee love Ze Rhine!

SVEN

Yes, I can see it now, you and I will execute our beautiful plan, and the whole world will be Rhine!

Cut to an external shot. We can see the MODELS inside, but we also see EVAN fly a plane into the side of the penthouse, which is consumed in an explosion.

5.         Ext, day. A footpath.                                                                                                5

JEFF, wearing an orange Stackhat and rainbow elbow and knee pads (ala “BMX Bandits”), is cruising along on a skateboard, albeit very unsteadily.

JEFF

Damnit! I knew I felt something! The Narrator is affecting the storyline, warping it for his own sick pleasures. I’ve got to stop him, I’m the only one that can do… uh oh…

JEEF loses his balance, and crashes into a tree.

6.         Int, The ISS.                                                                                                  6

ANGELIENE is sitting on a picnic blanket. Opposite her are the finger puppets, and in the centre of the blanket there is a pile of pizza pockets. There is a generally calming mood in the room.

ANGELIENE

OK gang, time for us to consume the fruits of our labors! (She grabs a pizza pocket and starts eating it). Mmmm… this ones great… what flavor is it? (quick cut to one of the puppets ) Ham and Pineapple you say? It’s awesome, thanks! I hope there’s more! (Cut back to the same puppet, then back) Oh, there’s only one? (Cut to another puppet, then back) What? What do you mean you wanted this one? (Cut to puppet, and back) Oh, I’m sorry, do you want to share? (quick cut forward and back) What’s that’s supposed to mean? I barely touched it (another quick cut) Oh, you did NOT just say that! (Quick cut) Oh you little bitch! (Throws the pizza pocket at the puppet, but misses. We stay on the puppet for another second) Oh, you’re taunting me now? Well how’d you like THIS!

ANGELIENE reaches behind her, and pulls out a rubber mallet. She brings it down on the puppet repeatedly, looking slightly crazier every time. After a few whacks and some insane laughter, we cut to a shot of the remaining finger puppets.

ANGELIENE
What!? Oh, don’t you lot start me! You didn’t see a thing! It was an accident, yeah, and accident. (she gathers up the parts of the broken puppet, and puts them in the bin) She was just, um, cleaning the station, when suddenly her tether line snapped, yeah, and she burnt up on re-entry… yeah. (Cut to the puppets, then back) DON’T STARE AT ME OR IT’LL BE YOU NEXT! (Quick cut to the puppets and back) That’s what I thought.

She sits back down, and grabs another pocket. She takes a bite.

ANGELIENE

Ooh! Cheese and Bacon!

7          Int, Narrator’s Study                                                                                    7

The narrator is sitting at his desk, writing in a book. He narrates his writing.

NARRATOR

Far, far below the murderous Angeliene and her picnic of insanity, the Narrator noticed an approaching presence, one he had not felt for some years. But time could not dull the Narrator’s senses, and he knew exactly who was approaching. It was none other than his student-come-nemesis, Jeff, the Ubernerd, who took advantage of this opportunity to burst through the door….

JEFF bursts through the door.

JEFF

Narrator! I knew I’d find you here! I know what you’re up to, and I’m here to put a stop to it!

NARRATOR

The Narrator, convinced of his own powers, continued in his work. Jeff, on the other hand, saw the sheer power of the Narrator, and knew instantly that this was one battle that he could not win…

JEFF

Oh, no, don’t you try that crap on me. You might have power over those ignorant masses, but not me!

NARRATOR

(Still writing) The Narrator was not perturbed by Jeff’s meek attempt to stand up for himself. He allowed Jeff one more outburst before revealing his true power…

JEFF

True power? What the hell are you on about? You’ve got nothing on me. I’ll give you one more warning; put a stop to this nonsense before someone gets hurt…

NARRATOR

The Narrator, obviously fed up with his pupil’s whining, rose from his chair, and spoke. (to JEFF) What do you think you could do to me, you insignificant pup? I am the Narrator! I make the decisions around here, and I’ve decided that it’s time for you to leave. Now put on your elbow pads and get out of my office… (Sits back down, continues to write) Try as he might, Jeff could not resist the Narrator’s power….

JEFF

(starts putting on his elbow pads) No! I won’t do it! I’m stronger than you think…

NARRATOR

Even as he protested, his body played out its part in the Narrator’s twisted plot. It carried him, kicking and screaming, out of the Narrator’s sight…

JEFF

(Struggling with himself as he exits) This isn’t over! I will put a stop to this! This isn’t over… (exits)

NARRATOR

With his student taken care of, the Narrator was free to continue with his quest to create a series. Across town, he had set up a fateful meeting between the man who despised bad puns, and the woman who made a living off them…

8          Int, The Bar, Evening                                                                                   8

JO-ELLEN is sitting at the bar, nursing a drink. She is mumbling to herself nervously, as if going over her material for tonight’s show. EVAN enters the bar from behind her, notices her sitting alone, and walks over to her.

EVAN

‘Scuse me, but is this seat taken (gestures to the seat next to JO-ELLEN)

JO-ELLEN

(Startled)

Oh! Sorry, you surprised me there. Sure, take it…

JO-ELLEN goes back to mumbling to herself, and the BARKEEP approaches EVAN

BARKEEP

What can I do you for, mate?

EVAN

Ah, I’ll have a beer thanks, (to JO-ELLEN) hey, you want something?

JO-ELLEN

Oh god yes, double scotch on the rocks please…

BARKEEP

Coming right up… By the way, you’re on in five, Jo (Turns away to get the drinks)

EVAN

Woah, that’s a pretty strong drink, you trying to calm your nerves or something?

JO-ELLEN

Yeah, it helps me take the edge off… I get so nervous before I perform… Jo-Ellen by the way…

EVAN

Evan… (they shake hands) perform? You a musician?

JO-ELLEN

No, Stand-up. Comic, um Comedian

EVAN

Really? That’s kinda cool… I’m just a clerk myself… you know, pushing papers and the like…

BARKEEP

(Returning with drinks)

Here you go, you’d better down that fast Jo, you’re up…

JO-ELLEN

(Skulls drink) Right! I’m good to go. It was nice talking to you.. er..

EVAN

It’s Evan, um, you going to stick around once you’re done?

JO-ELLEN

Yes. No… maybe. Here, just call me at some point (She hands him a business card)

ANNOUNCER (O/S)

Ladies and gentlemen… Jo-Ellen!

JO-ELLEN

Shit, that’s me… bye… (She runs off)

EVAN

Uh… bye…

He looks at the business card. It reads “Jo-Ellen Curtin, Banker” however the “banker” has been scribbled out and “Comedian” written underneath it. EVAN shrugs, puts the card on the bar next to his glass/bottle, and turns to watch JO-ELLEN’S show.

Once again, JO-ELLEN is on the stage at the Bar.

JO-ELLEN

Wow! Hi again everyone, it’s so great to be here! I think I’ll start tonight by talking about security guards. Don’t you just love them? They make you feel so safe, even if they are totally ineffective. Like the security guards on Sydney’s bridges- what they hell are they going to do? They don’t even have a gun, how the hell are they going to stop Osama nuking the bridge, eh? Eh? You could say that they’ve <bad pun>

We cut to EVAN, who, upon hearing the last line, grabs his glass, and is about to throw it when he notices the business card. He pauses, puts the glass back down, grabs the card, and leaves. We go back to JO-ELLEN.

JO-ELLEN

But what about those security guards at things like car parks? I mean, if you got in a fight with them, they could just, well, key your car, and get away with it, right? Especially if they were insecure themselves, am I right?

EVAN’S car drives across the stage, and hits JO-ELLEN (alternatively, EVAN could just be about to leave, and he grabs a bottle off someone’s table and throws it at JO-ELLEN)

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