1          Int, Narrator’s Study. Time Irrelevant.                                                      1

The narrator is sitting at his desk, reading the script for episode 3 (or 8… now that would be a pseudo joke…) and making occasional notes. He occasionally mumbles to himself. Alternatively, he could be reading a particle physics textbook.

NARRATOR

It is not often that a scientific theory gains a place in the world of the masses. The chaos theory, however, is an exception to the rule. To most people, the Chaos theory is described as “A butterfly flapping its wings in Africa could cause a hurricane in Asia,” or something like that. Whilst technically true, the theory is much more boring.

The theory is best expressed in mathematics. Depending on the starting conditions, some functions can end up doing completely different things. In other words, an insignificant change can lead to completely different outcomes.

Little do they know it, but our characters have each been subjected to an insignificant change. Well, some more insignificant than others…

2          Int, Bar toilets, Evening.                                                                               2

We see Jeff walk into a cubicle. Chuck follows him a few seconds later, and we see two flashes from the cubicle, and hear two gunshots. Cut back to Narrator.

3          Int, Narrator’s Study                                                                                    3

NARRATOR

(Whimsically)

And so, the fates of these unsuspecting people had been forever changed, victims to the deranged vision of a far superior mind…

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my legacy, welcome to my Great Work, and welcome… ot the series.

4          Opening Sequence                                                                                         4

 

5          Int, The Bar,  Evening                                                                                  5

Chuck returns to his seat with Evan. We see a close up of the TV, which plays a section of the “movie” that Dwight was filming in EP 1. Back to a shot of Chuck and Evan, with TV in background.

CHUCK

What a load of shit. (Turns to face Evan) These action movies never get anything right. I was in Korean you know, fighting those damn Nazis…

Chuck taps the medals on his chest, and Jeff returns to the table with a round of beers and a bandage around his head.

JEFF

Hey guys, what’s up? Chuck, you look a bit pissed, what’s…

Evan, realizing what Jeff is going to ask, pulls him to one side.

EVAN

(Whispering)

Don’t ask. For crying out loud, don’t ask…

JEFF

(Whispering)

Why? He looks a bit pissed off, I just wanna find out what’s wrong…

EVAN

(Whispering)

No, you don’t. Trust me, if you start asking questions like that, you’re going to wish you didn’t. Have you ever heard a veteran ever stop talking?

JEFF

(Whispering)
To be honest, I’ve never heard a vet start talking… Is Chuck really a veteran?

EVAN

(Whispering)
Now THAT’S a question you don’t want to ask…

CHUCK

What are you pussies whispering about? It’s bad enough I’ve gotta watch this crap (points at screen), let alone what a couple of queers whisper sweet nothings to each other…

JEFF

Watch what shit?

Evan sighs. Jeff looks genuinely interested. Chuck, seeing his chance, launches a “barrage” of hi opinion.

CHUCK

These bloody “action” movies. They screw up the people’s opinion of honest vets that fought and died for this country. You all think we’re crazed gun nuts and that one guy can wipe out an army. These (sarcastically) “Action heroes” haven’t got the foggiest…

Evan buries his head in his beer, and looks away. Jeff pulls a laptop out from under the table, and plugs it into a wall socket. Chuck continues his reverie in the background; however the focus is now on Jeff and his laptop.

The laptop shows a generic “Connecting” screen, and then we see a “live feed” from the ISS. We see Angeliene on the screen.

ANGELIENE

Personal log of Major Angeliene Brighties, United States Space Force. Day 36…

6          Int, ISS, Time Irrelevant                                                                              6

We now join Angeliene on the ISS.

ANGELIENE (CONT’D)

After my brush with Space Sickness sometime last week, I have decided that I needed to apply myself more thoroughly to my research. Experimentation not only keeps my mind busy, but it also occupies the rest of my bodily faculties, thus keeping me fit and well.

(Begins to doubt herself) But what if I fail? So many people have placed so much of their trust in me? What if I fail? How could I return to my lonely planet, after all it has done for me, with nothing to show for it?
(Confused, scared) Success is my only option; however after a solid month of wasting my energies, I have nothing to report on any project.

(Excited, bubbly etc)Therefore, in order to get things moving I will accelerate towards a positive outcome and everything will be okay! Angeliene acceleration, go!

7          Int, Narrator’s Study.                                                                                   7

NARRATOR

It is true that the masses will always strive to acquire more wealth. Some people do this by working as hard as they can, whilst others prefer a Saturday Lotto Megapick. Some of the more ignorant and stupid will pay other people to tell them how to increase their wealth, only to leave with a brain full of useless information and a wallet devoid of cash.

Yet, there is another group that wants to do things the easy way. To the ignorant, they are called “thieves,” but I prefer to call them “the elite”. (Or something similar). Hmmm.

8          Int/Ext, outside a shopfront/bank/office, Day.                                           8

There is a flurry of police activity. Cars with sirens blaring screech to a halt in front of the building. They form a cordon of cars, and draw their guns. They aim in the general direction of the building. The POLICE CHIEF picks up a loud hailer.

POLICE CHIEF

(Through Loud hailer)

You! Terrorists! Come out with your hands up! We have you surrounded!

Cut to inside, where we see TERRORIST #1 and #2 have taken four hostages, who are hooded and struggling in the background. Terrorist #1 is the obvious leader.

TERRORIST #2

Damnit, we’re too slow! I thought you said we’d have 10 minutes, it hasn’t even been 3!

TERRORIST #1

What, you think I can’t see that? It’s ok though- they won’t risk anything whilst we’ve got hostages in here. You keep shoveling cash; I’ll deal with the pig situation.

(Yelling through the window) Hey, Pigs! We’ve got hostages in here! You try anything funny, and you’ll have to explain to their parents why you let them die!

Cut to outside

POLICE CHIEF

(To LIEUTENANT)

Damnit! They’re not budging…

LIEUTENANT

But Sir, you haven’t even started negotiating with them…

POLICE CHIEF

There’s no point! You heard how stubborn they sounded! We have to give into their demands!

LIEUENANT

Um, sir, don’t you think we should at least try to negotiate with them?

POLICE CHIEF

What’s the point? You know I’m no good at explaining deaths to parents…

Cut to

9          Int/Ext, suburban house, night                                                                    9

A HUSBAND and WIFE are watching TV. The doorbell rings, and the Husband answers it. The Police Chief is at the door, in uniform, hat-over-heart.

POLICE CHIEF

Mr and Mrs Symes? Do you have a son, aged 19?

HUSBAND

Why, yes, is Little Johnny in trouble?

POLICE CHIEF

Well, that depends.

WIFE

Depends on what?

POLICE CHIEF

Well, it depends on your family’s stance on being crushed under a ton of bricks…

10 Ext, Holdup site, Day                                                                                           10

 

LIEUTENANT

Ok sir, I can understand that, but shouldn’t we at least call in a negotiator?

POLICE CHIEF

I guess you’re right…

(Through Loudhailer) Hold on in there, we’re getting a negotiator…

11 Int, The Bar, Day                                                                                                 11

Chuck is still sitting in the same seat, and is still ranting about action heroes. The rest of the bar is in “clean up” mode- stools are on top of the tables and such. There is no sign of Evan, and Jeff has his head on the table, asleep. After a few seconds of ranting, Chuck notices Jeff’s slumber.

CHUCK

Hey! Kid! You listening? (Bangs table) I said, are you listening to me? Or are you just palming me off like some kind of crazy person? I fought for your freedom; the least you can do is show me a bit of respect…

JEFF

I’m listening… I’m listening.. geez…

CHUCK

Anyway, as I was saying…

We pan back as Chuck continues to ramble, and Jeff lets out a sigh

12 ISS                                                                                                                         12

Angeliene is starting another log. After the introduction, she turns and looks off-screen, as if looking at another person. During the checklist, she makes small actions, and we hear occasional beeps etc.

ANGELIENE

Experimental log, reference number 3223. Day 37. Attempting procedure zeta-seven for the fifty-sixth attempt. Starting checklist…

Initial power? Dyna-therms connected? Thrid Bridge engaged? Timer set? Materials in place? Human user interface?

We cut to a wider shot of Angeliene. She is standing in front of a microwave oven. On her fingers are the finger puppets seen in EP 1.

ANGELIENE
All checks complete? (We have a close-up of one of the finger puppets, who “nods” yes). All right, punch it!

Angeliene turns on the microwave. Inside, we see a pizza pocket on a plate. Angeliene starts jumping and cheering and moves her fingers to simulate the puppets doing the same.

ANGELIENE

All Right! It’s been three months and 56 unsuccessful attempts, but we’ve finally proved that you can cook a Pizza Pocket in space!

13 A Graveyard, Day                                                                                               13

Evan, obviously having a soulful moment, walks up to grave, and lays a single rose. Jeff approaches him.

JEFF

Hey man, I’ve been looking for you. You were right about Chuck, by the way. (Noticing Evan’s state and the grave) Oh, sorry man, am I interrupting?

EVAN

(Choking back emotion to appear manly) Nah man, it’s cool

JEFF

(Pointing to grave) Anyone you know?

EVAN

Yeah, my mum, dad, and my aunt…

JEFF

Um, there’s only one grave…

EVAN

It’s all we could afford…

We now see the headstone, which has the three names on it, with the more recent ones obviously scrawled into the lack of space.

JEFF

Wow… that’s a bit disappointing, isn’t it?

EVAN

Not really, I’m cool with it. It’s also become a bit of a family tradition.

JEFF

OK, that’s a little weird…

EVAN

(Spots a new headstone next to his parents) What’s this? A new “Neighbor”?  (reading) ‘Frank Thompson, watchmaker, taken before his time…’

Evan, in a fit of rage, kicks over the headstone, then produces a shovel, and starts digging

EVAN

Damned puns! I’ll get you, you bastard!

14 The Hold up scene, Day                                                                                       14

LIEUTENANT

Sir! The negotiator is here!

NEGOTIATOR

Alright, I’ve been briefed on the situation, can you please pass me the megaphone?

POLICE CHIEF

Who the hell do you think you are, swanning in here and taking over? This is MY crime scene, I’M in charge here…

NEGOTIATOR

I’m not trying to take over, I’m…

POLICE CHIEF

Oh, so now we’re not taking over, eh? Get the hell out of here until you’ve sorted your story out, will ya? Some of us have got real police work to do…

LIEUTENANT

(To negotiator) You’d better leave… once he’s like this he just won’t stop…

NEGOTIATOR

But there are hostages in there! Innocent lives!

LIEUTENANT

Yeah, no-one I know though. Besides, it’s about time this tool screwed up and got the sack. If I were you, I’d put as much distance between yourself and this mess as possible…

NEGOTIATOR

Ok, fine… but what about you? Won’t you get in the shit too?

LIEUTENANT

Possibly, but it’s worth it, just to see this guy (points at Police Chief) flounder. It’s so pathetic, it’s funny… Besides, once he’s gone, I’m next in line for promotion.

The Negotiator, obviously confused, leaves the scene. We shift back to the chief.

POLICE CHIEF

Ha! I knew that pussy would leave. Right, back to the situation at hand… (Through loudhailer) Right! The Negotiator has gone, so I’m in charge here! Come out with your hands up…

TERRORIST #1

Not likely! We’re not coming out until we have our $20,000 and our chopper, otherwise we start killing hostages!

POLICE CHIEF

(To Lieutenant) Damnit, they’re not budging. Where’s that negotiator we called for? God-damned feds, can’t rely on them for anything.

The Lieutenant, who is now holding a box of popcorn and sitting on a car, sits down on a conveniently placed couch and starts laughing. An usher walks past and sells him a Choc Top.

LIEUTENANT

Oh, come on sir! You don’t need them! You’re an excellent negotiator! (To himself) I’m going to like being the Chief…

POLICE CHIEF

(Through Loudhailer) OK, how’s about this, I give you three seconds, otherwise we come in?

TERRORIST #1

How’s about this, I give YOU 3 seconds, and then I shoot a hostage?

POLICE CHIEF

(To Lieutenant) Damnit! We’re screwed! Only a miracle could save us now!

Cut to a shot of the wheel of the Model’s car. Cut to wide shot out the front of the building. The Model’s car skids in between the police cordon and the building.

LIEUTENANT

What the hell!?

POLICE CHIEF

We’re saved!

SVEN

(Jumps out of car) Don’t worry Chief! We’ll handle this! Dieter, hit it!

Dieter claps her hands, the music starts, and then she gets out of the car. They begin to pose. Cut inside, and the hostages free themselves of their hoods and bonds, revealing that they are the Cheersquad. They run out to cheer on the models. The terrorists go leave the building and walk towards the Police Chief and Lieutenant.

TERRORIST #1

(To Chief) Hey, man, we surrender.

TERRORIST #2

Yeah, we’re really sorry, you can arrest us now.

LIEUTENANT

You two gentlemen are under…

POLICE CHIEF

(Cutting off Lieutenant)

(Nodding his head in time with the beat) Nah, don’t worry bout it guys. You were fairly honest just then, and nobody got hurt. Now let’s all get down…

LIEUTENANT

You can’t be serious…

However his words fall on deaf ears, as the Police Chief, Terrorists and the remaining police officers have joined the Cheersquad in their cheering/dancing. At this point, the POLICE COMMISSIONER arrives.

LIEUTENANT
Sir! (Salutes) Thank god you’re here- can you put a stop to this madness…

POLICE COMMISIONER

(Ignoring Lieutenant) Chief! Good Work! I’m promoting you immediately!

There is a cheer from the crowd. The models continue to pose.

LIEUTENANT

God-damned idiots…

POLICE COMISSIONER

As for you, Lieutenant, you’re busted down to Sergeant for bad conduct?

Lieutenant, obviously shocked, tries to protest, but his complaints fall upon deaf ears- everyone is either parting or posing. Jo-Ellen walks up beside Lieutenant

JO-ELLEN

What’s going on here?

LIEUTENANT

(Slightly startled)

Don’t worry about it.

JO-ELLEN

(Slightly offended)

Fine then, I won’t.

Jo-Ellen walks off, leaving the Lieutenant in a confused and angry state. We follow Jo-Ellen, who gets a phone call. She answers it, and continues walking.

JO-ELLEN

Hello? (pause) Really? You like my act? (Pause, then excitedly) A Job!? Of course, of course I’ll take it. (Pause) An awards ceremony at the convention centre? Excellent, I’ll make sure you get a rewarding performance!

Jo-Ellen is hit by Evan’s car.

15        Int, Narrator’s study.                                                                                    15

The Narrator smiles, and hangs up the phone.

NARRATOR

Oh, it will be rewarding, all right…

A bottle is thrown at Narrator.

Fin.

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